I'm equal opportunity. Bouge knows no color. So I welcome all to join BougieLand. Welcome!
As when you are in Rome, you do as Romans do; when you are in BlacknBougie world, please refrain from asking the following:
- Anything about our hair: A black person's head of hair (male or female) is a mysterious and fragile being. It can be tamed or set free. It often requires chemicals and serums and oils (not hydrators… oils). Some of us wash it every day, some once a month, it's a matter of style, texture, moisture and scalp pH balance. When we get a perm, no – it doesn't turn out curly. Lookie here, just don't ask us. Oh, and don't touch it either. We mean it, you might draw back a nub.
- Any question that starts Why do Black People Always: We don't know why Black People Always. We are not ALL Black People and WE don't ALWAYS do something. In the same way that moon-shining tobacco-growing white folks from Kentucky don't relate to blue-blooded Fifth Avenue-shopping Central Park West white folks, bougie black folk don't know from ghetto. A-ight?
- If we voted for Barack Obama: Probably but we don't want to talk about it. And if we didn't vote him, we are not admitting it to you. No offense.
- If we voted for George W Bush: Probably not but we don't want to talk about it. And if we did vote him, we are not admitting it to you. No offense.
- What we think about (insert Black Pop Cultural Item here): Yeah, we don't want to tell you what we thought about "the OJ" or Mike Vick or Steve McNair. We will talk about Michael Jackson. As a matter of fact, he's always a safe topic… bring him up anytime.
- If we want to get hooked up with your one other black friend: No, we don't. We do not want to be your Match.com experiment for the year. And chances are, the person you want to hook us up with is not feeling it either. As a matter of fact, no matchmaking at all. When we're out together and some halfway decent person of color strolls by, do not ask me, "What about him? He's cute!" No he's not. He's a troll but he's black and black people should like each other right? Wrong!
- If we love this (hip-hop/R&B/soul) song: Maybe, maybe not. Do you love every pop/metal/alternative rock song you hear? I probably have more Metallica and Puddle of Mudd on my iPod than you do. Just sayin'.
- To be your urban culture guide: We may not know what "off the heezy" means and we probably don't know how to do the "Stanky Leg." Please stop turning to us in a room full of other Caucasians to ask us. You will force us to cut you with our witty and well-prepared, "I don't speak for all Negroes" speech accompanied by the universal "Ask me again and see what happens" staredown.
- If we know some other random black person: Not all black people know each other, nor are we related. Just because I once lived in L.A. and worked at a media company does not mean that I know every other black person in the entertainment industry.
- Why I speak/talk/dress/walk/write like I do: What? I'm supposed to pimp walk, talk like Mike Tyson, dress like JLo (during her Diddy stage), walk like I'm on the stroll and write at the first grade level? Not. Gonna. Happen.
- Last but not Least: Don't ever, EVER ask a black person anything about watermelon or fried chicken. You know what? Don't bring up chicken at all. I don't care if it's sautéed with a Pinot Grigio lemon zest reduction topped with chanterelle mushrooms and vidalia onion chutney. Don't talk about chicken and expect to keep your black friends. Just go with me on this one.
Any other "Please don't ask cuz we're not gonna tell" questions for my list?