Back by popular demand not only relationship week here on BnB but a new installment of Ask a Bougie Chick. I'll be answering a few letters from readers brave enough to email me and naïve enough to believe I actually have an answer. J Switching it up this time around and bringing in some male perspective. Allow me to introduce some contributors from the blogosphere:
- Citizen Ojo from The Desultory Life and Times of a Public Citizen
- Damon (TMCY) from This May Concern You
- SBM of SingleBlackMale.net
Show the fellas some love. Again, let me preface this by saying that none of us are degreed relationship experts. We've just seen a lot of bullshiggity. Also, I did not edit the fellas' responses. I asked them to answer with raw honesty and that they did. NC-17 people, read on.
Okay, I picked two letters about women suspecting their men are cheating just to kick things off. Seriously, today's letters are like an episode of Maury Povich up in here: suspected gay boyfriend and creepin' hubby. Here we go: First on deck is Tanya. Tanya is writing in from Cali. As usual, I only made grammatical changes to the letters and I changed the names to protect the innocent.
I have a suspicion that my boyfriend Thomas is gay. Well, not gay but bi. Though I won't go into the sexual details, his actions of late in that area definitely have me confused and concerned. He is spending a lot of time with his boy, Jerry. Until recently I thought Jerry was just, you know, his boy. But now I realize I have never seen Jerry with another woman and he is very possessive of Thomas' time and attention. That's not normal right? I mean don't most guys fall back when their boy gets a girl? My suspicions really arose when I heard Thomas on the phone the other night. He was talking low and sweet like he would to another woman. When I checked the call history, he was talking to Jerry. I did confront him but all he said was – what kind of question is that to ask me? Now he's spending nights over at Jerry's house. I'm not sure what to do next.
From Ojo: Tanya from the Left Coast: Have you ever heard Erykah Badu's song "You better call Tyrone?" To answer your question about - "most men falling back when their boy gets a girl" the answer is: not all the time. It depends on what type of dude it is. You say you've never seen Jerry with a woman…mmmm…….is he a nerdy looking dude? Unattractive maybe? When you look at him do you feel like throwing up? If he is an okay looking dude, does he have any gay tendencies…I don't know….like maybe….he wears blouses and only has other dudes numbers in his cell phone? Without you going into sexual details it is hard to analyze the situation. If you and Thomas are getting it on, and he keeps moving into the doggy style position you might have a problem!!
There are only three reasons to why your man wouldn't want to stay at the crib with you.
- His boy has a fridge full of alcohol and all you can eat chicken wings.
- His boy lives next door to strippers.
- They are both gay lovers.
When you first start dating a guy, you have to ask his friends questions. I'm not talking about giving them the Spanish Inquisition but you do need to ask questions. This is how you figure out what you are working with. The phrase "Birds of a feather flock together" is very true. Looks like you might have to back track and examine Jerry's dating habits. If you don't want to go through all that work, you should find another man. But this time make sure that he doesn't know Jerry.
From SBM aka Stop with the gay witch hunt: Ms. Tanya, Now, you do make some points here and you present a little evidence, but I gotta admit that I'm not convinced. There is one very strong piece of evidence, which is him spending nights over there. Unless he is really really mad at you for some reason, I don't think there is any good reason he should voluntarily be spending nights over this guy's house. In terms of him being possessive of the time ... that is common. I mean, a lot of guys aren't fans of the girlfriends. They take away their good friend.
Really, what is happening is your man is f**ing some chick. He saved her name as "Jerry" in his phone, and when he is sleeping over at Jerry's, he is smashing her off. Unless he is failing the washcloth in the buttcrack test*, then you don't have enough evidence to say he is gay. He just got a regular ol' sidepiece.
*washcloth in the buttcrack test is when you're taking a shower with him. Try and wash his "spot" with the cloth, and get in deep. If he doesn't damn near try and fight you, worry.
From TMCY: Tanya, I don't want to spend any time humoring you concerning what he may or may not be doing. This is what you need to do: Leave. Your relationship is obviously on the rocks anyway considering that your man is spending that much time with someone else. And you don't trust what he's saying or doing because you've checked his phone logs. I'd advise you to just get out. Don't concern yourself with the potential drama that's there. Don't wait for it to come to fruition. Sure, you want some concrete evidence. But the best sign that you'll get that you need to move on is that you don't trust him or what he's doing. That usually means it's over, which in this case is probably a good thing.
Last but not least from OneChele: Look here girl, if your Gay-Dar is buzzing – respect that. When I tell you I know of what I speak, keep reading the blog – that BougieTale of Woe is sure to come out (no pun intended) another time. Moving on, I'm disassociating from SBM's buttcrack test above. Here's my indicator: when you confront your man about being gay and he doesn't come back at you with the immediate, "Hell naw, WTF?" Check him. Also, you sense something "off" about the sex? Kinky "let me try something" off? Or Brokeback "you should have suspected" off? Let me ask you this, how deep is this thing? This is your man but he's spending nights with someone other than you? Jerry is not your problem, Thomas is. He's disrespecting you. My advice – ask some questions. If you don't get the answers you are comfortable with, are you willing to take a break or walk away? Cuz nowadays you REALLY need to know who you're sleeping with. BTW – we are not down on gays. But you cannot ride the rainbow (NTTAWWT – not that there's anything wrong with that) and ride me… succinctly put. N.D.L.: No Down Low. 'Nuff said.
Next up is Raine from the ATL.
I read something on your blog a few weeks ago that got me thinking- is my man creeping? I mean he has a history of creep but we've been married for over eight years and I'm determined to hang in. Lately though, I'm not getting any attention and he's not asking for any a**. If he's not getting it from me, he's getting it somewhere is what I've always been told. It has been over three months now. He is too smart to give lame excuses like working late but he calls from his mother's house late at night saying he just wants to spend time with her. She is not in great health so maybe that's what this is about? But he comes home, gets straight in the shower and then falls into bed without saying a word. He is also washing his own clothes lately.
I noticed some money missing from our savings account and just found out that he got a credit card I didn't know anything about. Now I'm turning into that chick you were talking about who is spying on his Facebook page, checking the online statement of his cell phone and making sure copies of all his emails come to me. I don't know how to tell which FB friends are harmless and which ones could be a problem. There are numbers in his cell log that I don't know but I'm not going to call them unless I really think he's up to something. The other day I caught myself following him to the mall. So now I'm (like you said) THAT CHICK. And I hate it. You said not to ask the question if I wasn't ready for the answer. So how do I know for sure without asking? From what I've told you, can you just give me an honest opinion? Am I making myself crazy or does it seem like something ain't right?
From Ojo: I always wondered how a man living in Atlanta could be faithful. I guess I got my answer…he can't. Ha Ha ha ha….I'm just joking girl. There are only two times when a man doesn't want sex.
- When he is frustrated by his job, life or other personal issues.
- When he just got some from another woman.
If your bedroom game hasn't fallen off, and he isn't dealing with any drama in his life, you got problems. Apparently your man isn't too bright that he thinks you wouldn't notice cash missing from the account. It's unfortunate that you have become "That Chick" because all men hate that type of woman. Instead of being in a relationship you are playing chief detective. I bet that wasn't what you imagined when you first met this dude. But now he's got you checking the phones like Dick Cheney and the CIA. Most men aren't looking to pick up extra duties when they come home. What man starts washing his own clothes when he wasn't doing it before? When I was a kid I washed my own clothes when I was hiding accidents that I made (Don't Judge Me!!!) I only started washing my own clothes on the regular when I lived by myself. If I could have found a woman to wash my clothes after I left home, I would never have known what fabric softener was. So to answer your question – yes!! Something ain't right!!!!
From SBM aka Let that ninja breathe: Dearest Raine, Hmmm ... he's not smashing you off. Well, I have heard after being married for a long time that can happen, but I am a strong believer that if he isn't getting it from you, he is getting it somewhere.
You are doing way too much by following him to the mall and tracking him down, but there is a very good chance he is cheating.
Problem is ... he may be really really torn up about his mother. And if you are snooping on him and accuse him when he is really just torn about the health of his mom ... then you will be a horrible horrible person. Horrible enough that you may push him back to cheating. Keep one eye open ... but no more playing private eye.
From TMCY: Raine, The something that's not right is your actions. I'm probably gonna sound like a broken record, but if you don't trust someone, you shouldn't be with them. It's a little different considering that you're married to him. But you shouldn't have to spy on your husband to figure out what he's doing. If there are things you're uncertain of, i.e. the new credit card, you should call your husband on such things. Don't be afraid to go there. That's the only thing that's making you crazy, that it doesn't seem as though you've approached him about much of any of this. When you don't confront him, if you're certain you're still not getting the truth, you should consider moving on, especially if you dealt with him stepping out on you before. That's not a sign of someone who cares for a healthy relationship.
Last but not least from OneChele: You lost me a little bit at "he has a history of creep." Almost sounds like you know what's up because you've seen this all before. But okay, let's say you don't. If Moms is really ill, you do have to cut him some slack. But only some. The clothes washing all of sudden, all the random broads on the cellie, FB, inbox – we call this suspect behavior. You're going to have to ask the hard questions and be prepared to deal with the answers. In the meantime, stop your SuperSleuth routine – you'll only make yourself crazy. Remember, information without context is not evidence (too much CSI!). Honestly, confront old boy. After eight years of marriage, you should know if he's lying.
So to Tanya and Raine – you probably got a little more than you asked for. But if you're like most people, you'll chose which answers suit what you already wanted to do anyway. We wish you luck in your relationships, be sure and check back to tell us which direction you took and how it all worked out.
As for the rest of BougieLand – you might as well wade in and pile on with your opinions for Tanya and Raine or share your similar experiences. Oh, and Part II where we answer a question from a young single brother, coming up later in the week. Comment as you will.