Relationship Reality Check: Signs it’s really truly over

I had the interesting experience of talking at length to a complete stranger about his love life the other day. Some random dude sent me a tweet out of blue clearly thinking I was someone else. After I corrected him, he said – well, are you a single black female over the age of 30? My stalker antenna went up but I replied – yes, why? He said – good, you'll do.

Feeling immensely flattered (not), I could nonetheless tell that the poor boy was beaten down by love and crying out for help. (Trying not to judge him for turning to the Twitterverse for advice, you'd amazed how many people use it as a virtual therapist). He proceeded to break me off a long-winded tale of relationship woe (which I will spare you) and peppered me with so many questions about what went wrong that he inspired this post. I was wildly amazed that he missed all the flashing light/burning bush signals that his relationship was toast.

Having had a relationship or two crumble in my time, I know of what I speak. You don't have to go all dramatic Melrose Place, "I hate you and wish I never met you! Why won't you just DIE?" to know a relationship is gasping its last breath of air. So in tribute to you, super depressed Twitter dude, here are a few definitive 'cannot be ignored' signs that your relationship is over:

Fellas:

Ladies:

If a woman says, “You should really stop loving me,” what more do you need to hear? C’mon, son. Those words mean she has all but padlocked the door behind you.

If a man says, “I’m just no good for you,” please believe him. If a man tells you this that means take the worst thing you thought he could do and take it to the tenth power.

If a woman keeps telling you, “I’ll call you later,” and never does – she never wanted to.

If a man keeps telling you, “I’ll call you later,” and never does – he will eventually but you are not a priority

If you come home and smell cooked food but she saved none for you, don’t plan too far ahead.

If he walks in with take-out and only got enough for himself, cancel the Christmas present you have on layaway.

If you call and it goes straight to voicemail but then she texts you right back (and this happens often), she’s seeing someone else.

If you call and it goes straight to voicemail but then he texts you right back (and this happens often), he’s seeing several someone elses.

If your woman hasn’t given you any in months… do I really need to tell you what that means?

If your man hasn’t asked for any in days… do I really need to tell you what that means?

If you see her making dates with other men on her Facebook page, save your dignity and walk away.

If you see him making dates with other women on his Facebook page, leave a tart note, update your status to “it’s complicated” and walk away

If you say, “I love you,” and she responds, “That’s so sweet,” ya’ll are not on the same page

If you say, “I love you,” and he responds, “Thank you, boo,” ya’ll are not on the same page

If she says she is on her over right now and strolls in two hours later without a call, she really doesn’t care about you.

If he says he is on his way over right now and strolls in two hours later without a call, he’s sleeping with someone else.

If she says, “I’m dying to see you,” but is never available to do so, you are the bird in the bush, not in the hand.

If he says, “I’m thinking about you too,” but his actions never reflect that, he’s keeping you warm in queue while working his first option.

If her wedding ring mysteriously disappears without explanation! Check the kitchen sink drain first, the bank account for mysterious deposits second, then get an attorney on stand-by.

If his wedding ring mysteriously disappears without explanation: he lost it. Probably at the gym. If he replaces it – okay, if he doesn’t – he lost it because he took it off at the club. Side-eye first, demand for explanation second, 1-800-LAWYERS third.

If you are in the middle of making love and she calls out a name that is not yours, stop, zip up and go.

If you are in the middle of making love and he calls out a name that is not yours, push him away, make him zip up and go.

The phone rings at midnight and she takes the call into the other room, talks in a hushed tone for a prolonged period of time… first time she’s being considerate, next time she’s talking about you, third time she’s talking to the next guy.

The phone rings at midnight and he takes the call into the other room, talks in a hushed tone for a prolonged period of time… first time he’s talking about you, next time he’s talking to the next girl.

In my mind, if one of these things happens – I understand the relationship is on shaky ground. My new friend had not two, not three, but FOUR of these occur in his relationship (and still he did not bail). BougieLand, I know you all have some doozies to add to these lists. What’s a “burning bush” sign that your relationship is over?