Apologies and apologies again to all who have emailed in. OneChele has been swamped and working like both Kunta and Kinte. I was able to reply to a few of you personally and I hope I had something semi-intelligent to say. For those not in the know, every few weeks I take the opportunity to address a few questions from my angry adoring readership in a segment we call Ask a Bougie Chick. So without further ado, here is this month's installment. (As always names changed to protect the innocent/guilty and the only edits made were grammar and spelling corrections)
First up is Sassy from Shreveport, LA with a semantics issue:
What is the difference between being a b*tch and acting b*tchy? I ask because my husband says I have been displaying "real b*tch tendencies" lately. Yes, I know that's unacceptable from him and have made it clear that I won't put up with it. But when I called him on it, he says he wasn't calling me a b*tch per se. We even went so far as to argue noun vs. adverb use. To explain our situation, I'll give you a little background. I was raised what you would call bougie, he was raised (according to your sliding scale) kinda ghetto fab. So he says I'm overly sensitive to the word since I didn't grow up with it being used in my house. Furthermore, I'll grant you I was being a little cranky the first time he called me b*tchy. But I don't think I'm wrong to ask that the word be banned in my house, especially when directed to me. I'm correct on this, right?
I pretty much know the answer, I just wanted to vent.
The hell you say?! Girlie, I don't care if you were wearing a T-shirt with "Call Me a B*tch" on it in large lettering while waving your middle fingers in the air… there is NO call for your husband (not a boyfriend or fling) to be calling you any sorts of b*tches. It matters not whether he tacks on the "-y" or softens it with "tendencies". What if you started telling him that he was acting like d*ck, displaying d*ck tendencies? Isn't that the same as calling him a d*ck... per se? Pretty much.
Now if we are going to slice up semantics and word usage, sure – there is a difference between walking around in full b*tch mode all day every day and being a little cranky/hormonal from time to time. However, neither of these scenarios allow for the man you took vows with to call you all sorts of female canine equivalents. Might I suggest that you remain firm and unflappable in your demand for that word to not be directed at you in any shape or form? Girl I don't care if he was raised behind a whorehouse in the Boogie Down Bronx with a pimp named Reefus as a father and a crack ho named Strawberry Wine as a mother… he is now married to you and needs to act accordingly.
Sassy, I could go in all day and night on this one. Get him told, girl. I'm going to file this under "I WISH A MF WOULD" and leave it at that. Thanks for visiting the Black n Bougie, come again soon.
And from Dee in Los Angeles, CA with a classic dilemma:
Your blog is great for giving me "reality check" moments especially in my relationship. I've been with my S.O. for five and a half years. In your terms, I'm starting to give him the stern side-eye because I want to know – where's my ring?! As a joke, I changed his ringtone to play Single Ladies whenever I call. He took that about as well you think he did. He says the fact that he's there shows how much he cares. We've been living together for the past two years and now he is talking about wanting kids. I say not without a ring. I am in my mid-thirties and I don't want to wait anymore to have that perfect family. I know this is an age old question but this time it's me asking and hoping you can tell me something. I mean do I walk out on almost six years to force his hand? Do those ultimatums ever work? Am I just being an idiot?
Appreciate what you do!
Thanks. I strongly you suspect you know the answer to your dilemma and just need to bounce it off someone. Sure, I can be that person. You know the old saying about the cow and the milk? Yeah, that one's true. You have been giving away the entire dairy department free of charge for YEARS. You waited a LONG time to give the side-eye. Did you indicate at all during the first five years of the relationship that marriage was something you expected? Did you discuss what the future looked like before you moved in together? Not beating you down, just checking to see where the escalation is coming from now.
That being said, let's address a few other things. What kind of man asks you to have his kids without asking you to marry him first? That's SO not bougie. I'm concerned when I hear you mention your age. Are you feeling pressed because your biological clock is ticking or because you really think it's time? When you say you are ready for your "perfect family" do you think getting a ring from him will automatically generate perfection? I just worry that you haven't been realistic in your expectations.
Ultimatums have been known to work but I don't know your man. If he was peevish over a ringtone, I doubt you packing up and saying "Ring or Nothing" will go over any better. You need to do a few things. One, decide if you want to be with this guy for him or because he's there and you're ready for your picket fence close-up. Then you need to talk to him about what sort of future/ timeline he has in his mind. And finally, you have to decide if you can accept the ramifications that an ultimatum will bring. Whatever you decide to do, do what's best for you. Thanks for visiting Black n Bougie - come back soon!
I wish you all the best,
Well, I think I was reservedly succinct (sort of). I could have written pages to both them, bless their hearts. Alright BougieLand, whatcha think? Got any words of wisdom for Sassy and Dee? Any similar experiences to share?