Don't give me the side eye, you all know EXACTLY which list I am talking about. The hypothetical "if I met this celebrity and had an opportunity for a hot and steamy no strings attached horizontal mambo #9, I would jump in with both feet and ask forgiveness later" list. Come on now, I know you have one. Alright, now that we are all being honest with one and other… let's get into it. Here's how it started… I was on Twitter and someone was thanking Maxwell for his Copenhagen concert. Apparently this person's date was very enamored of Maxwell and felt compelled to fling her drawers towards the stage. Since Maxwell did not take her up on her skanky blatant offer, she turned her enthusiasm on the one who brung her. And she was already sans panties… you get the idea. So the guy thanked Maxwell and Maxwell replied that while he was happy to do warm up, next time, bring girlie to the hotel after party.
So in re-telling this story over the phone to a Potential Significant Other (PSO) last night, the following conversation went down:
He said, "Well if Maxwell did invite her to the after party, what was she going to do with her date?"
I jokingly said, "I guess it depends if Maxwell is on her freebie list." **crickets** So I quickly explained the concept of the freebie list which must go hand-in-hand with a pre-approved Get Out of Bed Free card stamped and notarized by your SO.
PSO said, "Oh, the Celebrity To Do List." [See, ev'body got a name for it.] So this led to rules discussions: Card is good for a one-time only romp per celeb, no more than five names on the list, you can do all five back to back (like that will EVER happen) or over time. Lists are pre-approved so that should your opportunity arise, you do not have to keep said celeb waiting while you double check your permission status.
Naturally, the conversation turned to who would be on the list. He said, "I bet I can guess your list."
I said, "Okay shoot."
He said, "Denzel Washington, Troy Aikman, Barack Obama, Maxwell and Gary Dourdan."
I told him he got one of five correct.
PSO asked, "Which one?
"Denzel." [Don't. Judge. Me. I'm trapped in the 90's and that means the 'Mo Betta makes it Mo Betta'.] So I explained, "As much as I love my Cowboys, no more athletes. As much as I love Barack, I couldn't disrespect a fellow Michelle like that. Maxwell is a maybe but probably a top 10 not top 5 position. And Gary ten years ago, yes. Now – no."
He replied, "I'm impressed by how much thought you are putting into this. Can you guess mine?"
I said sure, "Halle Berry, Kerry Washington, Angelina Jolie, Selma Hayek and Marisa Miller."
PSO said, "Huh – that's impressive all except Kerry Washington. I switch her for Gabrielle Union."
Curious I wondered, "Interesting, why?"
He answered, "Well this is supposed to be a list of unattainable, once in a lifetime shots. I think Gabrielle would be more of a challenge to me than Kerry."
And now **crickets** on my end. [I won't go into some of Ms. Union's All-Star/Pro Bowl/Super Bowl behaviors that lead me to believe that if your bank balance is tight and you have any kind of shine, she is more than "gettable."] Moving on. I asked, "So what you're saying is you think you have a shot with Kerry Washington right now?" I was side eying the phone like you wouldn't believe. My facial expression which he thankfully could not say was very "Seriously, ninja?"
"You think I couldn't pull Kerry?"
I'm not stupid. I knew how to answer, "I'm sure you can pull whoever you set your mind to."
"Let me understand the rules of the game. You and I are out somewhere together; Maxwell walks up and asks you to come with him no questions asked, what do you do?"
"Well Maxwell isn't on my list so I'd ask you if you were alright with it." [Shut it, BougieLand. I feel your virtual skepticism]
"Uh-huh, but Denzel comes up and says come with me to the Four Seasons Presidential Suite for the night and you're out?"
[Jeopardy music started playing in my head. What to say, what to say? Um, well, out of time…] "Come on, I'm a nice girl. List aside, I wouldn't even consider it." [Okay, yes I told a bald-faced lie. Denzel and the Four Seasons suite? I'm bouncing. Talking skidmarks, ya'll. One for the memoirs; got to be true to my craft and all that. Umm, hmm – that's the only reason I would go… for the artistic value. *blinking with the big eyes* Ya'll believe me, don't you?]
"And when Angelina wants me to be her chocolate treat for the night?"
So bloody likely, but I replied, "You work it on out. Try not to get cut. Or adopted. Or sent to Ethiopia to dig drainage ditches."
He laughed, "You're saying you would be fine with it."
"Because you don't think it would ever happen!" His tone had turned accusatory.
See, I should have just cut the conversation here and moved on but no… "You mean do I think we're going to be out to dinner when a Victoria's Secret model rolls up to you and says 'Take me I'm yours.' No, I can't see that one coming to fruition."
"So you're saying I'm not the kind of guy who can pull model quality women?"
"Are you saying I'm not model quality?"
The conversation took some hairpin turns for a little while before we got back on track. I may have used a feminine wile or two to smooth things over. The funny thing is, I have never been able to have this conversation with any large degree of success (yes, I know I should quit trying). With my high-rolling ex, we had a joking agreement about a few celebs. It was all jokes until we ran into to a woman from his list and old girl did make a play. My pleasing personality slipped and list be damned. I gave old girl the 'don't let the bougie fool ya' look and she sashayed her famous, pretty behinds on. Likewise six months later when we ran into someone on my list, he was quick to shoot me the 'try it and see what happens' side-eye along with the jaw of granite, vein pulsing in forehead, brow furrowed visage. I opted not to try it. Truthfully, it's like a parlor game. Something you talk about but would never act on (probably).
So with that in mind, dear readers… who's on your list? Would you partake of the "one night only – no one has to know" option? Would you give your SO a "Get Out of Bed Free" card?