Five men it’s hard to stay in love with… or even like very much

Last Friday we talked about Five Women It's Hard to be Friends With so it's only fair that the fellas get an equal opportunity. Never let it be said I don't dole out the tolerant side-eye equally. As much as I love the fellas (and I do love the fellas), some of ya'll just make it difficult to be in any sort of relationship with you. I mean like painful. These gentlemen find themselves posted up on DontDateHimGirl.com, they are regular victims on Snapped, and habitually referred to as "trifling."

Bless their hearts, here are five such menfolk in need of intervention, prayer and medication:

  • Militant X:
    • Characteristics: volatile, mad for no apparent reason, sees a conspiracy everywhere, loses temper easily, complains loudly in public places, walking around with fist balled up
    • Where they thrive: In public and in crowds, where they can vent their anger for every slight (real or perceived) with as large an audience as possible.
    • What they do: They start the fight at the club, they make problems where none existed. Road rage warriors. They pick an argument if things are going too smoothly, do not know how to just be at peace. Always have something negative to say and if you dare to exhibit an outward sign of joy they bark, "What you so happy about?"
    • Theme Song: Set It Off by Organized Noise/Queen Latifah
    • What they need: Besides a chin-check and some Prozac? Anger Management classes, quickly.

  • Overly-Metrosexual Mirror Man
    • Characteristics: shallow, vain, selfish, better coiffed and groomed than the flock of females around him, sometimes a mama's boy.
    • Where they thrive: Anywhere with a lot of reflective surfaces and adoring fans, the mall, a "man spa", his mama's house.
    • What they do: Adore themselves and expect everyone else to do the same. It's never about you, it's always about them. They spend more time in the bathroom and mirror than you do, the battle for closet space is epic. They will look at your outfit for the evening and say, "Oh, is that what you're wearing?"
    • Theme Song: You're So Vain by Carly Simon (I bet you think this post is about you, don't you, don't you?)
    • What they need: Besides a punch in the nose? A reality check, generally delivered by running into the female equivalent of themselves.

  • Baby Mama Drama Dude
    • Characteristics: Forever in the middle of some baby mama drama, generally has more than one ( a la Li'l Wayne) but the Baby Mama is always off the chain crazy!
    • Where they thrive: Nowhere. They are usually broke, harassed, frazzled and angry, completely oblivious to the fact that some latex or a "no thank you" would have prevented this situation
    • What they do: Talk about it all the time, draw you into the middle of the drama. Lean on you, expect you to help them through it. You try as you might but sometimes, it's just too much.
    • Theme Song: A Song for Mama by Boyz II Men
    • What they need: Besides a lifetime supply of Trojans and an unlisted phone number? A good lawyer, sometimes a restraining order

  • Cheaty McCheaterson
    • Characteristics: (see Tiger, JFK, Michael Jordan, Gov Sanford, more names than I can list) Lies with ease, head on a swivel always checking out the next chick, overly protective of their emails, voicemails, blackberry stays coded on LOCK, goes missing for inexplained intervals of time, always has an alibi even when you don't ask for one
    • Where they thrive: Everywhere! The world is their playground
    • What they do: Sleep with everyone they feel like, whenever they feel like it regardless of their current "commitment" level.
    • Theme Song: I Get Around by Tupac/Digital Underground
    • What they need: A beatdown by the male relatives of all the women they've ever cheated on. One after the other.

  • Mixed Message Man
    • Characteristics: Flip-flopper. Hot on Monday, cold by Wednesday. Seems like he's one person in the morning, someone else by noon. He is moody and difficult to read. Often says bullshiggity like, "I'm so confused by my feelings for you." So are we, dude… so are we.
    • Where they thrive: No one place for long.
    • What they do: Change their minds about everything, including you… often. Last month they loved that sushi spot, now it's Italian. Today they love your independent streak, tomorrow they'll say they need to be needed, when you do that they'll call you too clingy. You cannot win with this guy - just quit trying.
    • Theme Song: Everything Must Change by Oleta Adams
    • What they need: Besides a swift kick in the pants in the direction of your front door? Therapy and prayer.

I had to cut the list off at five to be fair and equitable. So tell me BougieLand, have you met these guys? Do you know these guys? Can you think of some of the characters I left off the list?