I love Black Men but can you fellas please be like Rufus and Chaka and just Tell Me Something Good. Yes, it's time for some Black Man Fact or Fiction. But first, a dance break:
We continue to celebrate our mocha, caramel and bittersweet brothers this week. I, for one, am a fan. I think they are some of the most innovative, resilient, misunderstood beings on the planet. In fact, I so enjoy my Nubian Brethren that I've invited a few blog cousins over to BougieLand to help me understand what's what. Today, I need them to tell me something good. There is a lot of misinformation out there. I plucked some random questions out of the blogosphere and presented them to the fellas. To that end, today we have Citizen Ojo from The Desultory Life & Times of a Public Citizen and Max Reddick from SoulBrother v.2.
- True or false: There is a surefire way to keep your man from cheating. And if this is true, what in the world might it be?
Max: Sisters, don't be fooled. If it is in your man's character to cheat, ain't nothing you can do short of maybe voodoo to keep him from cheating. You can lessen the chances he will cheat, but when the rubber meets the road, if given the motive and opportunity to cheat, he will. And what do you do to lessen the chances? Actively cultivate the friendship between you and your significant other. Most relationships start out as friendships, but when the bills and the children and the other vicissitudes of relationships come into play, friendship is the first thing that goes out of the window.
And perhaps this is the most important. Try to quell all disagreements in a timely manner, and be willing to compromise. The win the argument at all costs attitude only further aggravates the situation and doesn't help in arriving at a workable solution. Don't go to bed angry, and don't let that disagreement cross the threshold of your dwelling because if you value your relationship and are trying to keep it intact, you don't need your angry, dismayed man, who just may have the cheating gene, out in the world.
If your man is only halfway desirable, there is always some woman out there who is only too willing and eager to listen to his side of the story and agree with him, and the next thing you know he is sitting somewhere on somebody's bed butt naked, smoking a cigarette, and saying, "What have I done? What have I done?" But if you decide to go the voodoo route, there is this lady named Lucretia Lebeaux out of New Orleans who has a little spot right off Beale Street in Memphis who specializes in relationship roots.
Ojo: You can't keep a man from cheating no more than you can fly to the moon without a rocket ship. Next Question Please!!
- True or false: Men love it when women fight over them or openly jockey for their affection.
Max: cannot speak for other men; I can only speak for myself. And fighting over me or openly jockeying for my affection ain't classy. Most men I know want ladies who represent themselves as such, and scuffling in the streets or throwing yourself all over someone in hopes of gaining their affection does not fit that description. I know that sometimes you have to handle your business because there are a lot of unscrupulous women out there who would like to try your man's commitment to the relationship but be ladylike in doing so. Scuffling in the street over your man with your unmentionables all showing might be flattering in the short term, but believe me, your man is making mental notes that will come back to haunt you later.
And if you hope to gain his attention by throwing yourself all over him, you might be setting yourself up. He might get the idea that you are offering yourself up as a jump off, and if this not what you want, you may have given him the wrong idea, and once a man has given you the jump off label, it is hard to overcome.
Ojo: It's only cool when liquids are involved. Mud, Jelly, the Marsh mellow stuff they use at Baskin Robbins. High School guys like to see girls fight because of the ego boost it gives them. Grown Men don't want to have any part of it because of the property casualties it causes. Broken Windows, Scratched Car Doors and Torn Clothes are not a good look at 30 plus years of age. Women fight messy and they usually break other things in the process. Imagine a dude trying to explain why his car looks like it was hit by a baby deer. Only High School kids like drama…..
- True or false: A man that has a terrible relationship with his mother will have issues with women well into adulthood.
Max: Well, from my observations, this is often true. If I might get all philosophical for a brief second, the family is the very first socializing institution and it is within the family that people learn to conduct themselves in relation to the world. So, if this relationship is dysfunctional, it makes all other relationships difficult. But check this out ladies. Observe how your man interacts with his mother. If he is a grown behind man and his mother still treats him like he is going off kindergarten for the very first time, run! He is perhaps a momma's boy and will expect you to treat him the same way.
And conversely, if he treats his mother like dirt under his feet, beware because if he treats his own mother this way, you must ask yourself how will he treat you? However, if the relationship between him and his mother is healthy and one of mutual love and respect, if his mother is able to see you as a complement to her son's life and not an adversary, then give him a try.
Ojo: This is one of the biggest falsehoods in America that has been promoted by Michael Baisden and Company. Sometimes guys have terrible mothers. Maybe their mother beat them with extension cords or told them they would be a failure. The real sign that you should look out for is when mothers' baby their sons. That is when you know you will have a terrible relationship.
- True or false: Men are relieved when a woman makes the first move, asks them out or initiates sex.
Max: This is one of those questions which I must answer sometimes and depending on the man. Some men are intimidated by women who take the initiative while on the flipside; some men are turned on by such a forward woman. Some men take a negative view of women who take the reins while others are too shy to initiate contact, much less sex, themselves and are relieved when the woman makes the first move; there would be no relationship or sex if the woman did not initiate it.
Given this information, this is what I would tell sisters. Take a moment to evaluate the situation and evaluate the person before making your move. And in making your move, do it in such a way that you do not put yourself out there. That is, do it in such a way that you are not left looking desperate. But as a married man, I love it when my wife initiates sex. Spontaneity always makes for better sex. And her initiation of sex tells me one of two things. Either she has overspent or she still has that fire burning inside for me. I love it when after one of those long days, I get home late and tired and the children have been put to bed, and the dog has been shut up in the laundry room, and she has a tumbler of scotch waiting and is dressed in some old fly lawn-gar-ree with the behind all out.
Ojo: Yes! Yes! Yes! It negates the possible hurt feelings of being turned down. It relieves the guilt that comes with asking a woman for sex. Most guys with a conscious don't want to look like all they want is sex. This is especially if they are really interested in the woman. So when a woman initiates sex, it lets a guy know the sexual attraction isn't all in his head. In most similar situations, both people are feeling it but they don't know what to say or do.
- True or false: Men hate to talk about stuff. Just give them some sex and a sandwich and they are happy for the evening.
Max: Now, I wouldn't go so far as to say all that; that's pretty extreme language. And, again, I can only speak for myself. But I love to talk to my wife; her intelligence is unparalleled, and she is excellent at making conversation. Additionally, I love to have those long, deep conversations, and I absolutely love to laugh with her and joke with her. In fact, these interactions usually are the high point of my day, and I look forward to them.
But if I were to tender a complaint, I would have to say that she needs to learn my moods. There are those times in which I don't want to talk. I just want to listen to music, or read, or write, or just sit and sip on something and get all lost inside my mental mind, but here she comes wanting to have some deep philosophical conversation. And I have tried telling her politely that I need some me time, some time for the Max-ster. However, this only hurt her feelings or either she thought that something was wrong and thought that things would be better if only we took the time to talk about it. So, I usually give in, but I am cranky in doing so which only makes things worse.
Ojo: This is just for the first 30 minutes of the man entering his place of residence. Remember the television show "Cheers" where they would always get a drink after work before they went home? Most men need something to calm their nerves before they come home to a lot of excess talking. When you ask a man about his day the conversation is always a brief "It was fine." He could have been at work fighting killer monkeys on crack but when you ask him it's "It was fine." Ask a woman the same question and it's a 45 minute conversation about how the girl in accounting is trying to ruin her career. Men need to come home and relax before they can listen to a lengthy diatribe. But don't get it twisted; there is nothing wrong with throwing in some sex after a hard day of work.
Okay BougieLand, weigh in with your thoughts. Here were the five questions again, what do you think?
- Is there a sure-fire way to keep your man from cheating?
- Do men love it when women fight over them?
- Do men who have terrible relationships with their mothers have issues with women in their adult relationships?
- Do men love for women to take the initiative?
- Would men rather have sex and a sandwich over a conversation?