Happy New Year ya'll. Welcome to 2010. I really wanted to do a lovely, fluffy, kick-off to the New Year post. But alas, it wasn't meant be. Hey, there's nothing like diving in with a OneChele rant (of sorts), right? You know I was all wrapped up in the I Love Black Men week, then the holidays and the vaca that really, I haven't had a chance to express my views on a few issues. So in the words of Slim Shady – "I'm cleaning out the closet"…join me, won't you?
Dear Tropical Vacationers,
Great to see you on the islands… well some of you anyway. Others of you, not so much. By my questions below, you'll know who you are:
Who said white leggings were the hotness? Ladies, leggings are not always your friend. If your thighs look like they are screaming (a la Amistad) "Give Us Free!" underneath stretchy see through material in tropical sunlight, switch to baggy khaki capri pants… please and thank you.
And speaking of capri pants – gentlemen, I see no reason for you to own (and rock) capris with ties or drawstrings at the calf. No. Good. Reason. Surf shorts, walking shorts, bike shorts, gym shorts, running shorts or ANY variation of a knee-length or past-ankle-length pant is acceptable. The capris with the mandals (man sandals) is just too much.
What is with the public displays of affection in the airport? No, I'm not talking about the acceptable kiss hello or goodbye, I'm talking full body contact let me tongue you down and rub you up all out in public bullshiggity. Get. A. Room. All that is unnecessary (and little bit high on the eww-ick scale).
Ladies, let me say this to you. Just because they make a bathing suit in your size, does not mean you should buy it or wear it. This is not about the plus-sized girls. Not every bathing suit looks good on everybody. Not everyone has a low rise, string-bikini body. Not everyone can rock a boy short or a halter top. And by the way, I'm herewith imposing an age limit on bikini wearing. If you are over the age of 65, your bikini days are behind you… I mean it. If you haven't done all the itsy-bitsy-teeny-weeny-yellow-polka-dot-bikini-wearing you're going to do by 65, just shut it down. I beg of you.
Dear former Obama lovers now reveling in trashing Prez 44 every chance you get,
Ya'll make me tired. Did you not hear the man say he wasn't the Messiah? Did you not listen when he told ya'll it was going to be a long, hard climb out of the deep, dark hole we were in? Or did you only hear what you wanted to hear? If you listened very closely to each and every speech, he ALWAYS spoke of putting the pieces in place now to make America better in the future. Not in 11 months, not in 24 months… in the future. In other words… he's working on it. Some of ya'll act like you expected him to personally come to your house and hand you a reparations check and a mule. I mean the man can't say "Happy New Year" without folks piling on about the inflection with which he uttered the words.
Obama ain't worried about who loves him right now and who doesn't. He didn't get into this for the love. He's like the parent who has to do the right thing for the house even if no one likes it. I didn't like BougieMom for a few of my teenage years. I did not appreciate her methods. She gave not a damn and did what had to be done. Love her to death now though. Actually appreciate all she did to steer me along. People, sometimes the cure is painful. But you still need to get well. I'm an Obama person and I still believe he has the cure.
No doubt, so-called "political commentary specialists" will pepper me with comments about why I feel this way. I'm not going to take the time to run down the list of everything the man has done and all he is still working to accomplish. I'm not blind to the faults but believe he's still committed to doing the best for this country that he can. I will support him until he is proven completely unsupportable. I am not a fair-weather supporter.
I'll wrap it up with these questions: Do you want G. Dub back? And could you really do any better? And is your negativity helping? Some idiots in Georgia burned an Obama effigy over the weekend. Just sayin'.
Dear Drunken Tweeters from New Year's Eve,
So sorry I had to unfollow you. Okay, I'm not sorry. Lookie here, I really respect the time-honored tradition of getting blitzed out your mind on New Year's Eve… good for you. But with the onset of Twitter, did it occur to some of you to self-censor? No it did not. Those of you who felt it absolutely necessary to share your bodily functions and sexcapades (leaving me to wonder how you tweet and copulate at the same time) in vivid Technicolor detail… I had to move on. But hey, Happy New Year to ya!
Dear Nigerian Wanna-Be-Terrorist dude,
Thanks for eff-ing it up for all of us. Thanks to you, my easy, breezy "go 'head beautiful lady" glide through the Jamaican airport turned into something else altogether. Took an hour to get through the security checkpoint. The airport security women there, at the gate AND in Miami felt more of my private parts than any of the last four men I've dated. As I glared at the Miami TSA chick squeezing my boobs with 200 onlookers gawking, she glared back and said (loudly), "I just had to make sure all of that was you." The male TSA worker said, "Well is it?" I remain unamused.
By the way terror-dude, send my gratitude to your dad for dropping dime on you to the CIA. Sorry no one got the message. How are your third degree leg burns? You are an idiot. Enjoy the US Penal System, I understand it's nothing but good times for guys like you. Did I mention you're an idiot?
Dear Dallas Cowboys,
Thanks for actually playing up to your talent level. Unfortunately, you have hoodwinked me so often that I simply cannot believe you are for real yet. Win next week and I'll at least stop referring to you as "those heart-breakin' bastards in silver and blue". Actually, I didn't expect you to get this far. Thanks for the pleasant surprise.
Dear Mainstream Media and Blogosphere,
Yes, yes "Bitch is the new Black" is a very sexy and provocative title for a book that no one has read yet and a future movie not yet written. Good for Helena Andrews. I'm all for Black Females maximizing the hustle (even if the title is a setback). But what this discussion has done is allow a whole bunch of people who truly need to STFU to commence pontificating on why so many black women are single and can't get a man. FAIL. How about everybody mind their own business and stopping whipping folks into a frenzy about an issue no one can solve easily. Why don't we dialogue about how to improve the race and empower our people so that the term "marriage material" is less of a euphemistic pipe dream? How about that?
Dear Ex-Boyfriend now living with some poor woman,
Very classy of you to text me on New Year's Day and invite me to meet you at a no-tell motel up the road because you miss me. [laser beam side eye] Invite to Starbuck's says you miss me. Invite to motel says you don't miss me. You miss parts of me. And you don't get to visit those parts any more. Way to kick off my new year. I hope my ignoring your four texts and three phone calls got the message across.
People, in 2010 – I'm keeping it really, really, really real. Yes, I'm moving on. Forward. No re-dos, no repeats, no re-heats, no second chances. Fresh slate, no nonsense, no drama, no bullshiggity. Enough is enough. In order to maintain my sunny personality, it's imperative that I accept what was and look forward to whatever will be. It's a process but I'm so determined to own it. And no, this isn't anything magical that happened on New Year's Eve (I don't believe in resolutions), it's a long term goal. Welcome to cautiously optimistic OneChele. Hope you enjoy the ride.
Comments? Thoughts? Do share…