First a disclaimer: The opinions and advice shared on this blog are from the fertile soil of my mind based on my experiences. They are in no way professionally sanctioned or meant to influence anybody, anywhere, at any time. Thank you. ~The Management.
Hello BougieLand. Thanks for joining me this week while we explored some aspects of love and relationships. I enjoyed the week and found out that anytime we talk about sex, folks are going to go ALL IN. Duly noted. It's been far too long since we had an Ask a Bougie Chick session. The questions have been pouring in and yet I'm only going to answer two today. So, Ladies and Gents... without further ado (cue the game show music)… Let's Play Ask A Bougie Chick… (letters were only edited for spelling and grammar)
Our first letter comes from Audrina. That is her real name, she asked me to use her real name so she could be sure I was talking about her. Okay, Audrina from Minneapolis… here's your letter:
I love the blog and I've noticed that you speak a lot about your ex-boyfriends. I have an ex-significant other that I am considering going back to. We spent two years together and I really thought he was going to be if for me. He had a bit of a problem with the truth and fidelity but that was a year ago. From all appearances, he has really matured. I still care deeply for him and want to believe that it will be okay this time but I don't want to blind and stupid either. How do you know it's right? In your experience, does the second time around work out better than the first?
Thanks for the love. This question is near and dear to my heart. I recently wrestled with this very same issue. Let me break my answer up into sections:
First: When you say he had "a bit of a problem with the truth and fidelity" – that's a lot to digest. Without getting into your gritty details, I'm going to ask that you think about how you phrased that and let it marinate.
Second: What has he done in the past year to mature? You need tangible proof of improved behavior not "appearances".
Third: There's no way to know if it's right. Sometimes you have to step out on faith. But before you take that leap, make a list of what was great and what stank before. See how much of the stink is gone and how much of the good is still there. That way you'll feel less blind.
Finally: I haven't had great "do-over" success rates. There's generally a reason (or ten) when a relationship falls apart. Ask yourself what's different, if you are both willing to work that much harder this time around and to what end – what do you hope to achieve by reconciling.
And if none of my practical exercises work for you… follow your heart and pray for the best. Good luck and thanks for visiting the Black 'n Bougie.
Letter #2 comes to us from a gentleman in Florida. We'll call him Jimmy:
Me and my wife are just regular people. We live a good simple life. I never got a college degree but I do what I gotta do to make sure things are taken care of with my job. Not everybody is going to be a doctor or lawyer. My wife just finished up her degree and now she is not satisfied with what we have and who I am. She keeps talking about moving up to the next level. I thought we were here already. I was looking around her laptop and found your webpage. She reads it like a religion. When I asked her about it, she said she want me to read it so I can understand where she's trying to go.
She's started talking about changing our 'environment' and 'expanding our horizons'. I don't know what that really means or have patience for folks putting on airs and acting like they don't know where they came from. We used to take little weekend vacations fishing now she says she wants to go to Jamaica and Aruba and places I can't afford to take her. I'm not blaming you, I wonder if you are making your life sound like something people should have even when they can't afford it. Since the degree, her new job and this page we are not the same marriage. Just thought you should know.
I'm not 100% sure what you mean by "just regular people". In my mind, I'm just as regular as the next person. By good simple life, I'm going to assume you mean modest lifestyle and there is certainly nothing wrong with that.
If you look around the blog, you'll see that I don't encourage people to do anything they cannot afford or are not comfortable with. Also, if you read the blog you'll see my life is not all roses and champagne. Lastly, if you read the blog you'll see that this is where I happen to come from so bougie is not an act for me. I would respectfully submit that I am not glamorizing a lifestyle of any kind, Black 'n Bougie is not the Jay-Z Big Pimpin' video for the up and coming. I do encourage people to get as educated as they can and achieve a level of success that they can be proud of – whatever that means to them. That's what I was taught; just passing it along.
As for your wife and your situation – people grow and change. It seems as though your wife, having achieved one goal is ready to dream a little bigger and step out from what you may be used to. Not to get all up in your relationship sir, but it seems as though your wife is ready to shake things up a little bit. You should really have this conversation with her and see what's on her mind. I would hope you can open yourself to her ideas and new direction since I'm told people within a marriage should be walking the same path. I hope this is the response you were seeking. I appreciate your feedback and thank both you and your wife for visiting the Black 'n Bougie.
These two were tough for me. I'm more at ease answering outlandish off the wall questions where the answer is glaringly evident. These I had to think about. What do you think, BougieLand? How did I do? Do you have advice for Jimmy & Audrina? Agree? Disagree? All thoughts and comments welcome.