eHarmony Reset - The DisHarmony of eHarmony (Pt1)

Originally posted in July of 2009. Still sad but true

Bougie is too beautiful not to share. Therefore, after my last relationship fizzled (imploded) eighteen months ago, I decided hey - let's give this thing a try. I work from home, frequently watch church on the internet, hate the clubs and have a treadmill in my living room- if I was going to meet Mr. OneChele, I was going to need some Cyber-Assistance.

The commercial said that as long as I was honest and gave it a little time, eHarmony would match 29 dimensions of the wonderfulness that makes me ME and find someone just perfect, chemistry and all for little ole me. How excellent is that? I key in the truth about me and an algorithm way smarter than me finds my perfect mate for the low, low price of $24 (approx.) a month. SCORE! I spent more on Guatamalan coffee beans monthly. I was all in.

I took the surveys, went through my aptitude and character analyis results and punched in my preferences. Tall, Age appropriate, African American, within driving distance, smart, sexy, creative, employed, ambitious, educated, loves sports, Neo-Soul, mafia movies and me! How hard could it be?

I hit the "Find Matches" and awaited my true heart's desire. There are no matches that meet your criteria. Please try again. This was followed by a few paragraphs explaining to me that my criteria was too strict. Huh... sounded like eHarmony wanted me to lower my standards, to settle! Okay, issues... issues. I tried again. Less specific and broader, widened the geography. There are no matches that meet your criteria at this time. Please allow us 24 hours to find your matches. Oooo-kay. And here's what came next.

  1. Seriously? I received 42 matches within the next 36 hours. Of the 42, 12 could not spell, type, utilize basic grammar or understand the basic rules of capitalization. Any gentleman over the age of 35 who describes himself as "2 good 2 B true. Jist waitin on ma qween"... he's not bouge worthy. Note to fellas who hop on these boards, when sharing about yourself, do not respond in ALL CAPS: I HATE TALKING ABOUT MYSELF, YOU'LL JUST HAVE TO GET TO KNOW ME... literary fail, gents. Literary Fail.

  2. 7 of the men were under 5'10". Yes, I'm shallow but in heels I'm 5'10, 5'11 myself. It's my world people, don't judge me... NEXT

  3. In the section titled, "What can you not live without," one fella listed his gun and pitbull. SECURITY TO THE VIP ROOM PLEASE!

  4. There were six gentlemen that I really could not understand how I ended matched with them. Which of the 29 dimensions said I was down for camping, fishing, WWE, monster trucks or rock collecting? My idea of camping means staying at the Holiday Inn instead of the Four Seasons... CLICK and DELETE.

  5. Two of the men were too far away to be reasonable... Alaska and Guam. Alaska is... Alaska. I get cranky when the temperature goes below 40. Guam I had to google... hey, it's been a long time since 8th grade Geography ya'll.

  6. Four were only there for the "Free Communication Weekend" and needed me to provide my phone number, email, twitter, facebook, cell immediately. Can you say STALKER? I know I can. Onward we go.

  7. This left eight gentlemen. I sent over my first series of questions and eagerly awaited the feedback.

Here is where I will pause for the cause and sniffle for the good old days. You got dressed up, you went somewhere, saw someone and they saw you. Circled like Serengeti lions around the watering hole before one of you closed in. You flung your hair and smiled, he smiled back. Conversation flowed, sparks ignited and phone numbers got exhanged. Date one, date two, date three, date four and you're in a relationship.

For those of you dying to hear the rest of the eHarmony tails of BougieFail, they can be found here.

Does anyone else think relationships have gone too high tech with the texting and the facebooking and cyberstalking? Are you experiencing success in Dateland 2.0? Share a thought or a story.