It's been a minute since I nominated some S.No.B.-worthy stuff but a few things I have witnessed simply must be put in the files. For those not in the know - from time to time my bougie sensibilities are trampled on mercilessly. These are things that I find So Not Bougie; I feel compelled to call them out. Check this list out and tell me if you agree:
- Hey sister-girl in the Whole Foods store last week! What's up!? This here is the Bou-Gie part of town. (capital B, capital G) This here is the Whole Foods Market, not the Piggly-Wiggly. This is PLANO, sweetheart. We don't wear rollers and bathrobes to the grocery store at noon. No we don't, not even over a sports bra and lace leggings. (???) Good look upping your shoe game with the five inch fire engine red suede platform peep toes… really made a statement with the tiger print robe and lavender rollers. I was so very tempted to ask you where you came from and where you were going next. You bought a bottle of sparkling moscato, six-layer chocolate cake, blackened salmon and green beans with almonds from the deli… so maybe it was date night? No excuse ma'am, big scarf and sweats please and thank you.
- Dear dude that I am not in contact with and haven't spoken to in months (you know who you are), please don't wake me up with a text message telling me you miss one of my lady-parts. What's that about? What did you seriously think I would have to say about that at 7:12am on a Saturday morning? That's actually quite insulting the more I think about it. You don't miss me but a part of me? Hmm… that clearly lets me know where your priorities lie. You can count on that particular part of me remaining a memory. Oh and by the way: FAIL. And go away.
- Random guy yapping about business in the line at the bank: When I ask for your business card and you hand me a Hello Kitty post-it note (cut crookedly with scissors) with your name typewritten (yes, typewritten) on it – that's not acceptable. It's really not. If you don't have business cards (you can get 250 for free at Vistaprint), you should just say "I don't have one with me" and then write your name and number down. That way I never have to look at you sideways for thinking a Hello Kitty post-it is business-appropriate. By the way, sir – what are you doing with Hello Kitty post-it notes anyway?
- To the lady I met in the movie theater yesterday. I understand we're in a recession and you didn't want to pay $12.75 for a small popcorn and two sips of Coca-Cola… I really get that. Bringing in the big tote with provisions is actually kind of enterprising. Had you brought a microwave bag of popcorn and a can of coke, I could cosign on that. But do you think it was appropriate to smuggle in a three-piece dinner from Popeye's? With a full-size bottle of Louisiana hot sauce? And a full-size bottle of honey? Plus the entire roll of paper towels? Okay, fine – perhaps you were hungry and wanted to get your grub on and clean up afterwards. But ur, um – the wine bottle? With an extra-long Slurpee straw hanging out? While I appreciated that you offered me "a sip", I have to report you to the S.No.B. Committee. And the slice of pecan pie was over the top. Way over the top.
- Last but not least - a special hat tip to you Mr. Criminal Mastermind at the Starbucks. Mr. Clever was apparently feenin' for some bougie coffee. Instead of buying some, he waited until someone's Venti Extra Hot Triple Latte was placed on the counter and tried to grab it and hotfoot out the door. When confronted by the fact that his name was not Mac and the steaming coffee in his hand did not belong to him, he refused to let the Venti cup go. He gripped it so hard that the top popped off, sloshing extra hot coffee down his front apparently landing on his sensitive manly bits. This is a coffee shop sir; there were not one, not two but THREE cops watching the whole thing. When I left (laughing) he had an ice pack pressed to his privates and was whining about a "grave misunderstand". Was it worth it, sir?
That's all I've got for the S.No.B. this time around. Any glaring violations of the Bougie Code you'd like to share? Any thoughts, comments, cackles at these I've named? The floor is yours…