"I just need five minutes"


This is the text message and voicemail and email I received over and over again Tuesday from an old S/O, Jason. Last time I heard from Jason, he had his current girlfriend call me for advice on how to treat him right. [dramatic pause] Prior to that, he called for the obligatory TapBack check-in. And before that, his fiancée (number 5 or 6) broke up with him the night before the wedding by putting a post-it note on his door and fleeing the island. I tell you this to say, I really didn't want to take his call. As a matter of fact, if I hadn't been on one call hanging up when the other call rung through, I would have avoided it all together.

"Hey girl."
[Silent eye-roll] What's up Jason?
"Not much."
"You said you needed five minutes?"
"Yeah, you good?"
"Great, but really busy so..."
"Can you chat a brother up for a minute?"
"It'll cut into your five but sure. How's Denver?"
"I'm in Boston now."
"Well good for you. How's your mom?"
"She said she talked to you last month."
"True, I take it she's still well?"
"She's great. You really don't want to make small talk do you?"
[Silence on my end.]
"Fine. Can you remind me what I did wrong again?"
"When?"
"When we were together."
"Over 15 years ago?!"
"Well. Yes."
"You were an adventure junkie, control freak who wanted a robot with ladyparts who would bow, curtsy and say yes sir."
"I wasn't an adventure junkie."
"Ooo-kay." [He was an undercover drug agent who kept volunteering for the assignments no one else wanted]
"So you're saying you didn't feel respected."
To say the least. "I felt disrespected, smothered, irritated and tired. But this is a long time ago. Why are you asking now?"
"I was told to find out where my best relationship went off the rails and figure out how to get back on track."
I heard some life coach speak in there but I didn't want to pry. "Well, now you know."
"But I really don't agree."
[Gritted teeth] "This is the problem right here. I told you how I felt. You don't get to agree or disagree. You can accept it or ignore it but my feelings are my own."
"I was good to you."
"You're not listening."
"This last girl says you broke me and I can't be fixed until you forgive me and release me."
This last girl? Is that how were referring to the significant other? "Your new girlfriend is a psychiatrist? Relationship counselor?"
"Life coach, how did you know?"
[Side-eye to phone] "I forgive you, I release you."
"Seriously, just like that?"
"I'm not the one still invested. You keep circling back around to me. So sure, fly and be free."
"Are you seeing somebody?"
"Bye Jason. Good luck with the new one." *CLICK*

First of all, I love it when I no longer gibbadam and can be dispassionate about the whole thing. Secondly, is it truly possibly that some people just never learn? I mean if you keep hearing the same complaint about yourself time after time, wouldn't you start to wonder if it had merit? Do you have an ex that you just can't get rid of? Thoughts, comments, insights... the floor is yours.