Michele vs. The Cricket

No, this is not a post about Flava Flav. (Come on, y'all know he resembles a cricket)

I hate insects. Not a little bit, a lot. I squeal like a frightened girl when creepy crawly tiny winged things come my way. I'm not cool with it. At all. This is how I ended up almost dating the Terminix man. I have a monthly service contract to eradicate all non-human life forms from my domicile. I believe the only things living in my home should cut a check for the privilege or be invited to stay.

When I was at UT Austin I was traumatized to discover that crickets descend upon that campus like one of the plagues of Egypt. Literally waves upon waves of angry, aggressive crickets swarm in pools of light so... in front of dorms, by the parking lots, near the football stadium. Totally freaked me out. One day I invested in a huge can of Raid and began fogging my way around campus. This just seemed to make the crickets angrier. 

Ever since then, I'm positive there has been a conspiracy in the Cricket Kingdom to terrorize me. They leap at me, chirp from undisclosed locations and appear out of nowhere. Think I'm kidding? This year they attempted to take over my garage. When I repelled them, they started falling out of the fireplace in my office. And this past week, it was near midnight when I had remade my bed with a glorious new purple silk comforter set, one of their minions clicked its way out of the freaking air conditioner vent and vaulted onto my bed.

I was texting at the time (to his credit, the gentleman in question offered to come over and trap and kill the beast for me). As the cricket jumped towards me, I flung the phone up in the air, screamed the house down and ran for the Raid. When I came back to the room, the cricket was perched in the middle of my bed glaring at me before he said, "What YOU gonna do?" Okay, mayhaps the cricket did not actually speak but his beady eyes were sending demonic messages my way.

First, I swung at him with the rolled up magazine I had in one hand. He jumped off the bed (missing one leg) and attempted to disappear into the draperies. This caused me to spritz Mountain-scented Raid everywhere just in case he thought I was playing. Now, it's not a good idea to spray possible carcinogens in a room with a ceiling fan blowing. I didn't know if I'd killed the cricket but I definitely gassed myself. I fled to the living room hacking and wheezing. 

Then it occured to me that I didn't want to sleep in a Raid-scented room so I went back in with Fig-Mango Glade. Then, worrying about cricket germs, I got out the Anti-Bacterial Linen scent Febreeze and misted the entire bed. Okay, you are correct. It was a terrible idea to layer Linen scent on top the Fig-Mango with Mountain Scent still lingering. The room was funky and cloudy. So I turned up the ceiling fan, searched under the bed and behind the lounge chair to make sure the cricket wasn't lurking and abandoned the room. Knowing crickets are attracted to light, I turned off all the lights in my room and turned on a single light in the guest room just in case he survived and could limp his ass in there.

I huddled on the sofa until 2:00 in the morning to wait out Jiminy Cricket and allow the chemical fog to clear out. Finally, I went back into my room and did one more search before falling into bed. 

You would think that's the end of the tale but NO! The next day as I sat in my office catching up on my email, I see movement out of the corner of my eye. Hopping towards the door yonder came a three-legged cricket. Ain't this b*tch? I grabbed the Hoover and ran his ass over. Take that. And tell your friends... you are not welcome here.

So, who else has creepy-crawly issues?