Please don't put a hourglass on the hot chocolate (yes, it's a euphemism)



Note - Hot Chocolate is a euphemism for naked aerobics (also a euphemism). People read this blog at work plus I'm bougie. Embrace the euphemisms... 

So the other day, a few people forwarded me an article from the blog Until I Get Married called How a Man Waits for the Women to Come Around. Long story short, the author (Jozen C.) basically states that if a woman doesn't give up the hot chocolate by week four, a dude is moving on. And not just moving on but shifting you to text message only status. In fact by week three if the cocoa hasn't been poured, he's thinking about moving onto the next. Here's a quote:
Four weeks in and the woman he was so into is still giving him the first date treatment? Ladies, please. It’s not that men don’t have time for that. They don’t have the pride for it. Maybe two weeks in this was a game he was willing to play, a light scrimmage if you will, but now, he’s ready for a real game, with pads and everything, yet she’s still talking about some two hand touch. See, a man like me doesn’t chase sex, he chases girls that he likes. If a woman makes me wait four weeks, I just think she doesn’t really like me back, so I’m moving on, but with some semblance of hope.
[strategic pause for dramatic effect]

I call bullshiggity. Not on the author or the site which can be rather insightful but on this particular post and ideology. Which is all part of a grand hustle to get women to give up the good-good (or is it new-new?) early and often. It's the pimpin' game - if you want to keep a man (and please recall that we are needy, desperate thirsty creatures who should be grateful a man looked our way) you better give him what he wants or he'll go find someone who will.

Bullshiggity to the nth power. Seriously, what are we- 16? Are men still so very concerned with getting the drawers that ladies can't take a second to figure who they're swapping bodily fluids with? Please tell me menfolk aren't still getting over on this "I'll get it from somewhere else" line? You know what? Go. Get. It.

Are men so insecure that the only way I can show you I like you is by bouncing naked with you? Immediately? For real though? I. Think. Not.

Now if this is just about a little hit-n-quit itch-scratching, that's a different story. If so, a man should state that (upfront) and believe me a lady will tell you quite readily whether she is down for that or not. Maybe that's all she wants as well. (Or maybe she thinks you'll get hooked and it will turn into something more, whole other topic) But if you're talking a relationship? Like forever ever (forever ever?)... Yeah, put down the hourglass. Repeatedly asking "Are we there yet?" is irksome and a little bit insulting. Surely, men don't mean to sound like all they want women for is the hot-n-sloppy. 

Listen, in the words of the immortal Billie Holiday: Ain't nobody's business if I do. Just so happens that I don't. Freely dispense the cocoa that is. I've never been an early and often, 2-for-1 coupon, double scoop giveaway kinda girl. I gotta be in it to be in it if you know what I mean (and I'm sure you do). But ladies, if your bedroom has a "Now Serving Number:" sign over the door, do you sweetheart. As long as you're not sleeping with my man or giving 20% to Pretty Tony, get yours. 

As for me, I feel I'm worth the wait. And guess what? So have my ex-s.o.'s from my better relationships. Not once have I lost a guy I truly gave a damn about because I asked him to wait. 

So how long is too long? That's between the two people trying to have a relationship. I know relationships where they stirred the chocolate on the first date and went on to live happily ever after. I know relationships where they waited for six months or longer and it was all good. I also know the opposite side of both of those tales. 

It happens when it happens. And as everyone knows, once you let that particular genie out of the bottle - its hard to put back in. Sometimes it's not about games or control or fear of intimacy. Sometimes it's 1) I just don't know you like that 2) I'm not feeling you like that 3) I know once we're in it, we're in it or 4) sometimes the cocoa is better if you let it simmer a little. Who has sipped cocoa too fast and been burned? [show of hands, please] That can be painful and take a long time to heal. But a really good cup of hot chocolate? Where you've allowed the flavors to meld and get to just the right temperature? Well, that's delicious and you're going to want that recipe again and again. (Killing the metaphor, let me move on)

I've heard the argument - well what are we waiting for? Women know in the first few minutes whether they are interested enough to stir the cocoa or not, right? Perhaps. But can I take a second to get comfortable with you? I'm to get through life without any communicable diseases. I'm trying not to be the storyline in an episode of Forensic Files. Maybe that takes two hours, maybe that takes two months. I don't know. 

Here's what I do know ladies- any man who has you on a  countdown to extinction because of sex is so not worth your time. Remember last week when we got into some swirl in the comments because men don't like the idea of attaching a schedule to a ring? Take all that indignant outrage that the men showed for a ring countdown and apply it the cocoa analogy. Time leading up to the cocoa is not wasted. In fact, if the gentleman is really on his game he is taking this time to get to know just how the lady might like her chocolate served. Knowledge is power and time gives you that. Nuff said.

Gentlemen of BougieLand, please get on this one for me. What's with the sexpectation countdown? Is there some sort of clock ticking in your head? How long do you wait until you hit the eject and reset button? Ladies, please get some of this as well - I know you have some thoughts on the Countdown to Cocoa. Not asking that you share your personal timelines (TMI), just asking for your thoughts, comments and insights. The floor is yours.