The Case of the Serial Monogamist - Friend or Foe?

Serial monogamy is a term used to describe a common sexual relationship pattern in contemporary Western cultures. A person may be said to be practicing serial monogamy if that person only has one sexual partner at any one time, but has had more than one sexual partner in their lifetime. Partners can be married or unmarried, but there are never more than one at a time.
The term "serial monogamy" is more often descriptive than prescriptive: relatively few people expect or want their relationships to end. Technically, any animals (including humans) who do not mate with one partner for life can be considered "serially monogamous", this includes those who mate with another only upon the death of a spouse. In more common usage, serial monogamy tends to refer to a long string of generally monogamous relationships which can often include more than one marriage. ~From Word IQ
Based on this definition, there is technically nothing wrong with serial monogamy. But then again, let's peel back the onion a little bit. Today, we're discussing my friend Casey. Casey is a professional double-degreed gentleman in his mid-twenties living in the DMV (DC-Maryland-Virginia) area.  I fully expect him to be channeling his inner Barack in about 10 years.

Casey has never liked dating. (Who does?) He does not like being single. He finds it extremely inconvenient. So Casey find a woman who meets his baseline criteria and in fairly short order, he commits. He likes to lock it down, one man, one woman, let's do this. Casey stays booed up. Admitted to me that he has generally lived his life going from one fairly long-term (one year or more) committed relationship to the next.

The problem is sometimes in his quest to get the boo and get out of the dating pool, he kinda glosses over a few things here and there. For instance, he and his most recent girlfriend (we'll call her Anne) had no sizzle, no sparkle. Things were nice and comfortable. There was no urgency, no "za-za-zoo." He spoke of one of his platonic female friends and there was all this heat and passion in the conversation. He spoke of Anne and all I heard was:




[The sound that means it's all over but the closing statement and verdict]

Anyway, Anne also had tendencies to game play and go passive-aggressive in her communication style. It irritated him but not so much that he felt the need to walk away. A few weeks ago, he had the revelation that they never talked on the phone. They had been hooked up for a few months and maybe three phone conversations total. He only came to this realization when they hadn't exchanged texts for a few days in a row.

So I told him, "Um, something ain't right."

"What do you mean?"

"You're supposed to still be in the 'giddy-gotta-see-her-gotta-have-her' phase. The call every day and just to say good night phase. The I-don't-care-if-it's-2:00am-I'm-going-to-see-her phase."

**crickets** Then he admitted he wasn't sure he ever felt that way about her. 

"Then why are you with her?"

"Well she's nice and alright I guess."

"Dude, do her a favor and cut her loose. If I EVER have a man that I am into say that I am 'nice and alright' he guesses - shoot me. That is some apathetic shiggity."

"Well you know we had dated for a while so I figured might as well go all in."

"But you're not all in. Sure, you're monogamous but you have 'hot swappable' syndrome."

"What is that?" He laughed.

"Your girlfriends are like peripherals. As long as the 'plug and play" you can swap them out as needed."

"That sounds harsh. I'm not mean to them!"

"No, you're not. But you're not doing them any favors. Break up with her if you can go three days without hearing from her and you could gibbadam. Seriously."

"I hate being the bad guy, I hate breaking up with people."

"Please don't tell me that you're the guy who just fades out or does something to get the woman to break up with him."

**more crickets** And then he told the truth, "Yeah, in college I had a platonic friend of mine call my girlfriend to say that I had left my phone in her room."

Me, horrified, "So you faked cheating to get out of a relationship?!"

"Pretty much."

"Dude, the time has come for you pull on your grown man boxers. Break it off and stay out of relationships until you find someone you think you can't get through a week without. Please. You deserve better."

After he told me I was hard on a brother but he knew I spoke the truth, we hung up. He texted me a week later to tell me that she broke up with him. She went radio silent to see if that would spur more a reaction from him. When it didn't she figured out what I just told y'all - He just wasn't that into her. 

For the record, I'm not slamming Casey or serial monogamists. Before this conversation, I would have that thought serial monogamy was a good thing. But this conversation opened my eyes to whole other subset of possible relationship issues I hadn't considered. 

BougieLand, is it possible that serial monogamists who don't take the time to play the field may not really know what they want? Have you ever stayed in a relationship just so you could stay in a relationship? Casey said that he thought the relationship would "warm up with time" - am I the only one who thinks there has to be some heat there to begin with? Is going from one relationship to the next a good idea or should you take a little "regrouping" time in between? What are your thoughts? The floor is yours...