Are you just too ratchet to play the game of love?


If I sat and took inventory of some of the just plain out-of-pocketness ratchetery told to me and experienced by me on the rocky pathway to Lovetown, I'd have to wonder how the relationship game EVER gets won. Let's face facts. Not everyone is ready to play. Some folks should just sit on the sidelines until they've studied the playbook a little more closely. Let me share a few examples:

Stan the Screamer - Yeah... I don't mean this in a good way. A girlfriend of mine tried really hard to date Stan. At first impression, he was good-looking, employed, well-spoken, charming enough. Stan had short-fuse-itis. He's that guy you see screaming at the attendant in 7-11 because they are out of Cherry Slurpee. He's the guy who drives on your bumper through a school zone then whips around you and guns down the street (shooting you the finger as he whizzes past). He yells at waiters, valets, flight attendants and then one day, he yells at you... for no damn good reason. The Stans of the world have issues. I have to ask, "Why so angry?" Until Stan attends some anger management seminars, he's not allowed to play.

Melanie the Messy - Something must be done about her. She lives for mess, lives in mess, and is always starting some mess. I have cut SO many Messy Melanie's out of my life, there should be a support group somewhere. You tell this woman the sky is blue and next thing you know there's a rumor going around town that you slept with a ninja named Blue and you did it outside in public under a cloudless sky. She gossips and without fodder for gossip, she just makes shiggity up. She's so good at it, when you hear her discussing your relationship and none of it sounds familiar... you wonder if your memory is going. Leave Melanie alone until she learns to zip it and embrace truth.

L-Dub the Dramatical - We KNOW this guy. Drama clings to him like Lycra on Amber Rose's hindparts. I was seeing a guy (I can't even call him a gentleman) that I'll name L-Dub. Six weeks into the relationship, I'm at his house at 3:00am when the doorbell rings. Laser. Beam. Side. Eye. Ex-girlfriend of his, now a "friend" just "dropping by. No ma'am. No sir. Two weeks later, we're at dinner with her and her fiancé when the story flies out of her mouth that her 7-year old is actually L-Dub's. When we broke up (very shortly after the baby daddy revelation and the fact that mysterious women's underwear kept showing up in his laundry), this ninja sat on my front porch in the rain with "Until You Come Back to Me" on repeat. [Can someone say 911?] Ya'll see why I avoid drama like John Boehner avoids the truth? Someone queue up Mary J's "No More Drama" please...

Suzette the Sorrowful - Suzi is sad. And in case you weren't sure why, she'll tell you. In excruciating detail. Who hurt her and how. She can't let it go and she won't let you. I'm not talking about a little sad three or four days out of the month. This chick is a sucking black hole of glass-half-empty, black cloud misery. She may disguise it as being mysterious and quiet but the despair that rolls off of her like waves is fairly visible. One of my male friends from college had a wife like this. He thought he (and Zoloft) could fix her. She didn't want to be fixed. Her favorite saying was "It's always darkest before it's pitch black" - fun! If you run across Suzette, just point her towards the closest mental health professional and check back in a year. 

Ivan and Ivanka the Infidels - Simply put... they cheat. Infidelity is thy middle (and first and last) name. It's compulsive. I don't know whether they need constant validation, just want that feeling of something new or some other more complex issue from a troubled childhood is rearing it's ugly head. Whatever the reason, they can't keep it zipped or closed or whatever the "no cocoa" position happens to be. What's the worst thing about Ivan/ka? They always (always, always) try to make it your fault. It's never just, "Okay, you caught me. My bad." It's some exotic, deflective explanation, "You know I was ho-centric (skankalicious?) when you met me." "I didn't mean to do it but you've been so cold to me." Or my personal favorite, "This is obviously a sign that something is wrong between us." Um-hmm. Ivan/ka is not invited to the party, I wish people would quit letting them in.

I could go all day, but I'll let you go in. If the game of love is a party, who just shouldn't get an invite to the dance? BougieLand - thoughts, comments, insights?