Today, check out some thoughts on relationships gone wrong brought you by Darryl Frierson. Darryl is currently working on his first book, a romantic comedy, called ”Loose Ends”. Darryl has written for The FreshExpress, Black Sports Online, SoulTrain.com, Show Me the Blog and various other sites. You can catch him on twitter at @diggame and on his blog From Ashy to Classy(www.ashy2classy.net). Take a look...
Everyone has had conversations with friends and maybe the subject of relationships has comes up. And if the person is having relationship problems or the relationship has ended someone is always going to ask "What happened to Chuck" or "What happened to Krystal?"
These will be some general responses you may hear:
"Girl, Chuck wasn’t ready for a woman like me."
"Playa, Krystal didn't know how to honor a true man."
There seems to be some psychological phenomenon where we as humans cannot take accountability for things happening in our life. This seems to be shown more often when it comes to romantic relationships. In one of my Marcus Graham Chronicles posts "Is The Onus on Me" I delved into my own personal problems in terms of having self accountability for my past relationship woes. I began to wonder if sometimes we deserve the things that happen to us in a relationship not necessarily because of the other person but because of things we have done.
Sometimes it seems that we will find any way to blame the other person for what happened badly in the relationship instead of doing self-reflection and seeing our part in the ending of the relationship. Generally the breakdown of any relationship is usually a combination of both people's discrepancies. It's a two-way street where the blame traffic travels in both directions.
Many of us love to look at the positive aspects of our selves instead of understanding, embracing, and improving the debts to our characters. For instance next time you are talking to someone try this exercise...
Ask them "What are the good things you bring to a relationship?" Nine out of ten times you will find the person will have laundry lists of things good to say about themselves. After that then ask the person "What are the bad relationship things about you?" A lot of people will be hard pressed to name 1/8 of the amount of things they named good about themselves.
In relationships we all like to believe we are in the right in terms of relationship. A man may think he was justified in his actions for cheating because his lady doesn't cook enough for him. While a woman may always feel that she is the victim in the relationship because of the man doing something to her. We hold tight to our perspective of thinking we are in the right. It’s very hard to see from our mate’s perspective because we can have the sense that the person is not getting down with our "program".
The idea of seeing the both sides of the coin in any situation is probably the hardest thing for us to do in any situation let alone a relationship. Self-reflection is paramount in our relationships because it will become an ongoing problem. I was hipped to the concept of the Color Mixing Theory by Zo Willams from his conversations with hip hop icon Kool Moe Dee and I think it makes the most sense when understanding who we are.
The Color Mixing Theory
In the visual arts, color theory is a body of practical guidance to color mixing and the visual impacts of specific color combinations. The Color Mixing Theory in terms of relationships uses the general color theory as a back drop to explain the concept of self-actualization and personal accountability.
For instance, if you are one color (let’s say for instance: blue) and your mate is another color (let's say in this case: green) and you all get together and mix (join together in a relationship) you all will make the color aqua or teal. The problem is what if you don't know your own "color" and your mate doesn't know their own "color"?
If you are not consciously trying to find out more about who you are, how do you even know that you and your mate’s two colors mixing together make a good mix? After the ending of the relationship you aren't the same color because you have some of the" color" residue from the last mate on you. You may not even realize your "color" has changed and or see the past relationship residue on our character and spirit. The residue of the other persons color we take is the emotional baggage we carry forth into new relationships. We all do it but if we don't recognize our own color how can we understand how much our mates "color" or the relationship has had an effect on us?
We then end relationships blaming the other party for their "color" being the problem not realizing our "color" had a lot to do with the relationships demise as well. If we don't take any self-reflection and begin to recognize who we are and our issues within a relationship we will constantly go from failed relationship to failed relationship. We will continue to mix our "colors" with someone else’s "colors" never understanding ourselves and taking on the baggage from the past relationships.
If we want to make our relationships to become healthier and survive we have to be able to see those things within us that may not be the best things about our character. We tend to think we listen to our mate but when actuality we just listen for what we want to hear. Some of us don't really want to know who we are we just like our singular living capacity.
(If you like this post, check out "The Relationship Credit Score".)
BougieLand,what say you? Are we attuned enough to our own shiggity prior to pointing out others'? Do we ever really let go of that emotional baggage or do we carry that residue around forever? If you were a color in the rainbow, which one would you be? Why? And what do you think is the complimentary color to yours? For instance, I'm purple... I go with everything. Work the metaphor, people. It's deeper than Crayola. The floor is yours...