Who is to blame for infidelity? The first of three topics to kill dead


Since it seems that a public figure gets outed for cheating (usually flagrantly) every other darn day, people get caught up guessing and pontificating on the "why" of it all. Why did he cheat? Why did he cheat on her? Why was he so stupid as to get caught? And then, inevitably... someone decides to assign blame and fault. Often, there's a underlying "what wasn't he getting at home" vibe that sneaks in. This leads to various and sundry people listing all the things a woman must do to keep her man from cheating.

Guess what? None of them work. A man who wants to cheat is going to cheat. Same thing with an unfaithful woman. At some point, they make a decision and they go for it. I don't care if you are dipping yourself in chocolate sprinkles and swinging from the chandelier with a cherry on top... if a person decides to step out - they are stepping.

No it doesn't matter if you are finer, richer, better-looking, more accomplished, more freaky-deaky, more acquiescent,  more attentive... sorry. It just doesn't matter. That's the God's honest truth. Trust me, I know of what I speak on this topic.

Let's take (if we must) Maria Shriver and Arnold. There's some question about whether she really thought he was going to straighten up his womanizing ways when she married him but we don't know what the nature of their relationship expectations truly were. We do know Maria damn sure didn't expect that he'd be stirring the latte with their housekeeper without protection at the exact same time he was impregnating her. And we can feel very safe in assuming she did not preapprove him procreating outside of the marriage. This is one case where we know he was clearly being "handled" at home at the same time he decided to step out.

I don't want to get into what he was looking for. Who gives a damn? My point is this - there is no magic way to stop a man or woman from cheating on you if they so chose. You can't detach their private parts and lock it away when you're not there. You can't stalk them 24/7 to see what (who) they are into. And you damn sure can't sex them into compliance.

Stop telling women they need to be subservient, size six Superwomen who will perform circus sex acts on demand. Stop telling men they need to be paid, six-packed Mandingos who remember your favorite flower, perfume and shoe size. All of that is great... yet still provides no guarantee against being cheated on.

Here's what you can do -
1) Don't enter into relationships with known repeat Cheating McCheatersons
2) Understand supply & demand. If you are with someone requiring cocoa at frequent, regular intervals; plan accordingly.
3) Don't test the fidelity just to see what happens
4) Communicate
5) Be joyful in the cocoa stirring
Not saying any of that is a guarantee but it can't hurt. There's this great line in Cat on a Hot Tin Roof where the mama tells her daughter-in-law "When a marriage goes on the rocks, the rocks are right there." The daughter-in-law (played by Elizabeth Taylor) says, "Well that's not fair." And it's really not. Sometimes you don't see the rocks, someone just took the ship and ran right up into them, damn the consequences.

So I'm deading that "blame game" conversation right here. There is no magic bullet. There is no special formula. There is no set sequence of events and activities that insures that your mate won't stray. Let's stop assuming that we can pinpoint the moment when it goes to hell in a handbasket. Until we're invited in, let's just get out of grown folks' business, shall we? The one thing we can all agree on - Cheating sucks.

Thoughts, comments, insights?