Bougie Confession: I don't believe in Soul Mates


Oh Lawd... I hope I didn't just trash my 3rd quarter book sales with that title. But I have to keep it real - I'm a writer of relationship fiction and I do not believe in Soul Mates. Or rather I don't believe we only get one.

From Wiki: A soulmate ( or soul mate) is a person with whom one has a feeling of deep or natural affinity, similarity, love, intimacy, sexuality, spirituality, or compatibility. A related concept is that of the twin flame or twin soul, which is thought to be the ultimate soulmate. In New Age spirituality, the ultimate soulmate is the one and only other half of one's soul.

All that? Doing. Too. Much.  

I do believe in love lust at first sight. I believe you can meet a person and know immediately that they are going to be a game-changer in your life. I do believe in instant attraction. I believe in chemistry. I believe in the power of love. I believe in partnership. I believe in synergy. I do believe in fate, destiny and serendipity. One of my favorite (though little known) Usher songs is called "It Is What It Is"  and though the song is a little scandalous, the title speaks to me. But soul mates? One person slated for one person, forever and ever? One shot at the gold ring? Only one hit at the plate? (I could go on) But I don't buy it.

The theory that there is only one person that is meant for you and you alone and nobody else in the world will do? Hogwash. 

The other day I tipped past a predominantly male blog and dude was trying to sell Ye Olde "Girl, you let him get away and now you're going to be alone... FOREVER" meme. Kisseth mine azz with that one. First of all, just because you "let" someone get away, doesn't mean they won't be back. Secondly, who's to say what's waiting around the corner? Maybe you needed to move his hindparts out of your way so the path would be clear for someone better.

I also had occasion to listen in to some sassy sisters getting their preach on over on BlogTalkRadio the only day. They were deep into the "I'm the best you ever had and you'll regret the day you left me" programming. Ladies, let's not kid ourselves. There's always someone out there willing to do more, do it better, faster and with fawning enthusiasm. Please lose that "You'll RUE the DAY!" speech. Maybe he will rue the day, maybe he won't - either way he's onto the next and you need to be also.

Gents, I don't want to leave you out. I've met so many of you who are on the hunt for perfection and won't settle for anything less. Some of you have a definition of a soul mate that comes wrapped up in such a perfect unattainable package, I wonder what woman will ever live up to the dream. Perfection is divine. We're all just human. Let's move on, shall we?

I have several issues with the soul mate fallacy:
1. It's a little too Cinderella for me. Cindy couldn't have hooked up with the baker or the butcher to get her up out the rodent-infested attic? She just had to wait on the Prince, huh? Seriously, in dire straits, isn't the coach driver starting to look real good? I bet the stable boy had a wicked sense of humor and buns of steel. But no, Cindy up in the house waiting on uncomfortable pumps and a high-fallutin' prince. You ever wonder how that happily ever turned out? What if the Prince was a spoiled Mama's Boy expecting Cindy to prance around in those glass shoes with the tiara on all the time? Hmm? Trust and believe, Cindy's fairy godmother would have done her a favor by hooking her up with some random dude one kingdom over and being done with it. 
2. It suggests a passive inevitability. The notion of waiting on That One True Love leans a mite too heavily on the waiting. Almost as if who you love is beyond your control. The cosmos has picked out this one person and you have to wait for their arrival. Hmmm... but in the meantime? 
3. It's limiting. Perfection and the search for it is a narrow trail to exhaustion. Seriously, if you are eyeing up people wondering "Is this my Soul Mate? Is it Him? It is Her? Are they The Perfect One for me?" - you've got too much time on your hands. Lookie here, find someone who puts up with your shiggity, you put up with theirs and have some laughs and cocoa along the way. 
4. The second guessing. Banking that the person you've found is The One, sets you up to wonder if there isn't a Better One out there somewhere. Let go of that whole "The One" and go with - I've found someone I love who loves me back... we in this.  
5. And then what happens... when your Soul Mate doesn't work out. When it all falls down? Are you done? That was your One, right? None other in the world? No sir, No ma'am. Some things are for a season.  Onto da next.
6. You complete me - No. You. Don't. Damn some Jerry Maguire. Please people, be a complete person in and amongst yourself. Pull your Me, Myself, and I together and make it work. If you are broken, shattered, tattered, halved or torn asunder... can't no man/woman put you to rights. You are in charge in you. So endeth the lesson.
Well BougieLand... those are my thoughts. What say you? Am I too cynical, mayhaps a tad snarky? Do you believe in soul mates? Do you feel you've found yours? Do share...