Bougie Bachelorette Chronicles - Episode 12: From Sexy to Slapstick

Decided to share this one because as 3N said... let our pain be your entertainment...

It was so cute. It really was. We were chilling at 3N's spot. I had no deadlines, he had no projects due. We had banished the Georgia Crew. I'd already fed, hydrated and entertained BougieMom for the weekend. 3N and I were in couples' hang out mode. We were playing some throwback music and found ourselves comparing different versions of songs. (Yes, we succumbed to the lure of Spotify) For some reason, we got up and started dancing to Tears for Fears' and then Anthony David's versions of Everybody Wants to Rule the World

In the middle of the second chorus, 3N decided to pick me up and swing me around. First of all, I'm no lightweight but to 3N's credit, he does lift weights four times a week (bless his heart). "Girl, I got you." He announced as we circled and laughed. It was going alright until he stepped off the rug onto the hardwood, slipped on the freaking Wall Street Journal and lost his balance. Ruh-roh. He had me but ur uh... who had him? 

It wouldn't have been so bad if we fell straight down but since were in the middle of getting some sort of Dancing with the Stars centrifugal twirl on, it wasn't pretty. The words sprawl, splat, and sprain come to mind. Le Ouch! Like the old school Batman TV Series, we can just blank the screen to say this for a minute:


I banged an elbow, a hip and a thigh. He banged his knees, irritated an ankle and the arm and hand that was underneath me when we fell... they were very angry. We were stretched out on the floor groaning when our eyes met and the next thing you know, we were howling with laughter. It's so typically... us. Started out trying to do something simple and fun, next then you know we're laid out contemplating ace bandages. We are so damn classy.

As we struggled to our feet with Tears for Fears telling us to "Shout, Shout, let it out" in the background, he said "Let's fire up the tub." Now you would think that after we could not manage to cut a step without injury, we wouldn't try our luck with aquatic tomfoolery? Yeah well anyway... off we hobbled towards the bathroom. I love his bathtub. It's a 77 inch work of art with a gazillion jets, very deep. The only thing is that the builder put in this crazy platform where you have to go up three long broad steps to climb in the thing. 

Have I ever told you guys about my thing with steps, stairs, escalators? Think on it. I'm top heavy with tiny ankles. Gravity-challenged. I've never met a stairway I didn't eye with trepidation. Moving on...

First there was the discussion over what flavor of product to put in the tub. 3N did not want to smell like flowers or tropical breezes. I argued that it made no difference since I was the only person who would be smelling him for the next twelve hours. Now this seems nonsensical but it is actually important to what happened next. 

We compromised and went with mineral sea salts and a bubbling cocoa-almond oil. We decided to do it up big. I went out to change the music and get the wine and the wineglasses while he prepped the bath and lit the candles. I know, oh so sexy, right? Um, hmm. So I walked back into the bathroom and he was already deep in the tub getting a soak on. I set the wine and the glasses down on one of the ledges and then got ready to climb in the tub.

"Don't forget the towels." He pointed. Okay. Picture it. Chocolate Man in steamy, bubbly tub. Bathroom flickering with candlelight, David Sanborn in the background. I go to the closet, pull out two fluffy towels and walk back over to the tub. I glided up the first step, put my foot down on the second and promptly felt it sliding out from under me. I splashed headlong into the damn tub, towels and all. Now as I was submerged in the fragrant water, 3N was trying to be the hero and keep me from drowning but we just ended up rolling in the water like twirling sea otters at SeaWorld.

I pushed him off me, yanked the hair out of my face and leaned back. I sent him a look. He looked sheepish. "I meant for you to put a towel down. I should have mentioned that I spilled a little of the oil on the stair tiles?"

"Open the wine and hand me the bottle." There I was in a jetted tub with a gorgeous man, wine and music and  yet... I was throbbing for all the wrong reasons. All I could do was shake my head.

If my life was a reality show, it would be titled "The Misfortunate Mishaps of Michele." Yes, my hair swelled up to resemble Chaka Khan's "I feel for you" video look. It matched the swelling in his ankle. Go ahead, you can laugh. After a bottle and a half of wine, two Icy-Hot patches and some Advil, we thought the whole adventure hilarious.

Anyone else want to share a romantic foolery gone wrong story?