Should you say you're sorry when you're really not?


There was an article on HuffPo (no I'm not linking it) on the 6 Secrets to a Happy Marriage. Nowhere in the list did it say to marry someone you actually think you'd like to stay married to but hey - we're moving on...
Number six on the list was about letting arguments go, which I agree with. You do have to pick your battles. But then she goes on to say that you should say "I'm sorry" even when you're not sorry at all.

***crickets***

Jayme called me up with her hair on fire over that one. Dr. Be Honest With Your Feelings in the Moment was not having it. And to be perfectly honest, I wasn't feeling it either. It's actually one of my pet peeves from a previous relationship. Dude would apologize and say whatever he thought he should say to get me to drop the topic and get onto the next.

If you're not sorry, don't fake the funk. I find that patronizing. An apology for apology's sake isn't worth the paper it's wrritten on. My favorite line from Shange's For Colored Girls is: "One thing i don’t need is any more apologies, I got sorry greetin' me at my front door. You can keep yours." Amen. Stand behind your complete lack of remorse. 

BougieDad used to come home after a long damn day, get his two fingers of scotch and then listen to BougieMom tell him which BougieChild he needed to beatdown. He would take a deep sigh, go back to his bedroom and get the wide belt and then snatch the problem child up by the arm. Once he'd tanned hide, we were required to say we were sorry. But that wasn't enough for the BougieParents. He would ask, "Well what are you sorry about?" And if you didn't have the right answer, she would assign you a 1000-word dissertation on what you had done wrong and why it wouldn't happen again. I wish I was joking. BougieRents didn't play.

So why say you're sorry if you're not sure what you're sorry about? Why apologize if you don't feel the least bit apologetic? That's just insincere. It's better to say, "I'm sorry you're upset and I'm sorry I don't feel the same way. Can we agree to disagree?"

Plus, I have to take into consideration what the apology is for. There's an "I'm sorry I turned on the light and woke you up." and there's an "I'm sorry I slept with your best friend on our bed when you were out of town." One you can accept easily, the other needs more than I'm sorry. 

Then let's look at folks who simply love to play the offended party. You can be genuinely remorseful and apologize a hundred times for the slightest misunderstanding and they're still not satisfied. Yeah... um - miss me with that. 

But these are just my thoughts. What say you, BougieLand. Should you apologize just to keep the peace? Is it easier to say, "I'm sorry" and shut the argument down? How much weight do you put behind an apology when you know it's not sincere? Is a simple "I'm sorry" like kissing a boo-boo, doesn't really solve the problem but we all feel better? Your thoughts on apologies? Do share...