[Disclaimer - Le Dude is out of the country for the next six weeks. We have no such agreement or drama as the one described below nor do we plan to. Nobody need come at me sideways.]
We're just going to dive in today. Our letter comes from Janae. She's twenty-seven and she's been in a committed relationship with thirty year old Kendrick for three years. They live together in Kenner, Louisiana. Here we go:
Hey Chele and all the bougie dwellers:The whole point of this letter is to ask if I'm right or wrong or does is just not make a difference?
Kendrick and I have been together for three years, it's been a great relationship and I hope we get married someday. Right before Thanksgiving, Kendrick left to spend a year in Africa. I spent ten days with him and then came back for my job plus my family and friends are here. Before I got on the plane to come back, Kendrick and I had this long talk about our expectations for the upcoming year.
He said he had no plans to be unfaithful but a year was a long time. He suggested that we make our relationship an open one until he returns. I went from zero to mad right then and there. He was putting me on a plane and basically saying whatever happened in Africa stayed in Africa? After everything we've been through? (Let's just say we've worked very hard to be together and stay together)
But he explained that he was really saying this for me. I know, I know, Chele - I can feel your side-eye already but really, truly I believed that he was not looking for a Get Out Of Jail Free Card and thought a more open relationship would keep us from stressing out about what the other was doing. A year is a long time. So I agreed.
Fast forward to a week ago, he and I are on Skype and he sees a friend of mine walking through the apartment in the background. He asked me who it was and I told him it was a friend of mine, Vaughn. He got really upset and asked who the hell Vaughn was and why was he in the apartment that late at night. After I asked Vaughn to leave, I tried to explain that Vaughn was just a friend. He asked me if I was sleeping with Vaughn and I answered truthfully it had only happened once.
Kendrick asked me how I could do this to him and now he couldn't trust me and then he hung up. He won't take my calls or answer my emails. I'm confused - he's the one who said it was okay to be with other people? I didn't do anything wrong? What should I do now? - Janae
Well... I'm shaking my head reading this. First of all, Janae - thanks for reading BnB and writing in. Even though you've shared a lot of backstory, I find I'm still wondering - did Kendrick ask you to go with him? How did you define the scope of your relationship prior to him leaving? Have you all had any issues with infidelity in the past?
Now that that is out the way - you cannot honestly tell me that you didn't know that when Kendrick said it was okay to sleep around he meant that is was okay for him and him alone? He was getting absolution in advance sweetie, that was never meant for you.
Even on the slimmest, tiniest, most minuscule off chance that he meant "sure, my woman of 3+ years, have a ball while I'm on another continent" - do you really think it was wise to have your cut buddy all up in screen range while Skypeing your boo-thang? Really? S.No.B. girlie. You never dangle your daisy in front of your rose, dig?
While talking about your daisy and your rose - I thought you were upset at the thought of either of you cheating? Though I'm not judging, it does not seem like it took you too long to find another plant for your secret garden. <~~Yes, that's the written equivalent of a non-judgy but quite perplexed side-eye.
Lastly, call him out. Kendrick bluffed and you called him on it, he has to acknowledge his part in this whole shebacle (that's shiggity + debacle). If he's not willing to stand behind what he said, you two don't have much of a relationship as it is.
These are just my two cents. Let me turn it over to BougieLand and see what they have for you. What say you all? Who is wrong? Kendrick? Janae? Both? Who's is "wronger" in this scenario and where (if anywhere) do the go from here? What are your thoughts on a "temporarily open relationship" - does that ever work? How long is too long to expect the other party to be faithful? Please respond...