Don't take this the wrong way but...


It was not my greatest weekend. Not to get too graphic for the gents but I suffered the kind of cramps that over-the-counter medications just laugh at while screaming, "I can't do nuthin' for ya!" That curled up in a fetal position asking Jesus to forgive you for whatever you did wrong to cause this kind of pain. Finally, Sunday morning I started pulling it back together. Enough to get a few things done, eat a little something and lay on the heating pad with my Kindle in my hand. So when the cell phone rang at about six p.m., I grabbed it without looking.

"This is Michele."

"Hey Michele - this is Yvetta. I'm not sure you remember me."

I didn't so I stayed silent.

"I am a friend of -fill in yada yada here- and we met at the holiday party. I got your number from -some random chick who is friends with David's boss' crazy-assed wife-" Okay, some chick who knows somebody who knows somebody who knows David. 

"Sure, what's up?"

Let's pause for a moment here. There are a few phrases that tell me that some bullshiggity is about to come up out of someone's month. Here's a short list:
  • Let me be perfectly honest...
  • Before you say anything...
  • Don't take this the wrong way...
  • What I really mean to say is...
  • If you want to get technical about it...
  • This is just my opinion but....
Um. All forecast phrases of shiggity. Let's continue.

"Don't take this the wrong way but... we were wondering what your long term plans are with David?"

Hmm. Don't take this the wrong way = Strike One. WE were wondering = Strike Two. Plans with David = Strike Three. 

"Who exactly is we?"

"Oh," she giggled, "there's a group."

"Yvetta?" I said in the calmest tone I could muster.

"Yes?"

"I don't know who raised you, how old you are or why you thought this call would be a good idea. But let me assure you that this is not cute, I am not amused and David won't be either. I can say for your information that women who act like this? Not his cup of tea. At all. If you are coming for him, step your game up. And let this be the last time your fingers dial these here digits. Are we clear?"

"Look here now..."

"Are we clear?"

"Yes ma'am."

Damn Skippy. Young assed chickies playing on the phone. For good measure I called DLC and broke him off a piece of my mind about his fan club. Let's just say no one rested easy that evening. Well I did because I was on the good pain meds. 

BougieLand. It must be asked: What part of the game is that?! What would you have done/said instead?