"For" not "with" - An ITOFTS chronicle


I'll admit I'm not bouncing up and down with enthusiasm about dating again. Hence the I'm Too Old For This Shiggity (ITOFTS) Chronicles. But I'm a trooper, by golly. I keep trying. I keep plugging away. A few weeks ago, I was unloading groceries from my car to the trunk in the parking lot of SuperTarget when my 24-pack of bottled water broke for freedom and bottles flung themselves from the plastic, falling to the asphalt and rolling all over the darn place. 

Amazing how few people actually stop and assist. Even more amazing how people step over your bottles of water and look at you like "wow that sucks" as they keep it moving. One family stopped and the kids thought it was fun to scramble under cars searching for bottles and one guy stopped and helped me secure the rest before they went rolling as well.

I thanked everybody. Got the trunk loaded and noticed that the guy was still standing there smiling. I smiled back while wondering, "What does he want?" He extended his hand, "I'm Ty." I shook his hand, "Michele. Thanks again." I walked around to the driver's door and he was still standing there. I raised a brow. He grinned, "Would you like to get a drink some time?" Oh. Uh. "Sure." He raised his phone, snapped my picture and asked for my number. Alll riighty then. I gave him my Google Voice number. (That one-click "mark as spam" feature is amazing, you also can send certain numbers direct to neverneverland.)

It took a few days for our schedules to mesh but finally we met at trendy lounge on a Thursday night. It was packed. We sat at a tall table with bar stools  After drinks were ordered, we started the initial call-and-response of generic getting to know you questions. I noticed he asked more than he answered and some questions he seemed to deflect. I sipped quicker. So fifteen minutes in I was already two seconds away from an eyeroll, gulp and leave when they started playing music. I don't even remember what the song was but I remember kind of bopping my head and shoulders a little bit.

"Oh, you're a dancer," he said. I laughed, "I do dance but I'm not a dancer." He tilted his head, pointed to a patch of carpet in front of him and said, "Dance for me."

Pardon me? I kind of blinked rapidly and set my drink down positive I misheard him. "With you or for you?"

"For me. I'm wondering what you're willing to do to hold my attention. Get up and show me what you got." 

**crickets** Everyone within hearing distance was like, "What did he just say?"

I said nothing. I pulled out a $10, flung it on the table, tossed my hair back and did a Beyonce stomp towards the parking garage. Ty caught up with me and tapped me on the shoulder, "Did that offend you?"

I walked faster, talking as I went, "Dude - I don't know who you're used to dealing with. You asked me out. I'm not a stripper, I'm not here for your entertainment and I had a father, okay? You've got the wrong one."

Random dude getting out of his car with his boys was like, "Damn, she said she had a daddy, yo."

Ty shrugged, "I'm a commodity. Women want to impress me."

To which I laughed, "Actually I am a commodity. Men try not to insult me. You're free to go. We're done." (I know I was extra ya'll, I was just trying not to go full Shequenesha)

He shrugged again, "I could have five other women here in ten minutes who would dance for me whenever I want."

"Please call any or all of them." I got in my car and drove away. Two minutes later my cell phone announced a call coming in from Google Voice. Do you want to accept this call? No. Do you want to block this caller? Yes. Thank you. 

BougieLand... why? Really. Who the hell (besides Krystal from The House of Cheeks) is getting up booty shaking for random dudes in the martini bar? Who? I'll say it one mo' gin - I'm too old for this shiggity.