Blogger's note: we take a break from Famous Movie Quotes I Don't Believe In week for today's special post... Oh and also, no - I'm not a relationship expert but I've been around and done some things and learned more than I needed and so I share...
I get it, I really do. It's hard to find The One out there. Finding someone to match your emotional and physical checklist who gets you and shares your vision of the future for both the immediate and long-term? Plus they (prayerfully) are employed, sane, with low drama thresholds? It ain't easy. I feel your pain.
Media outlets (mainstream and other) spend a lot of time telling women why they can't/won't/shan't find a man and what to do about it. A lot of that chatter usually involves telling a woman to improve herself, lower her standards, be more realistic, stop giving it away for free, earn more money, go to different places, get her mind right first, get her credit right first, do back flips six dozen times in the rain in five inch heels in a size 4 mini-dress while quoting from Deuteronomy and performing kegels to keep it right and tight, you know - basically make miracles happen time and time again.
But fellas, I gotta tell you... I've been listening to some of you out there on the Twitter streets and Facebook highways - some of ya'll need a miracle or two yourself. It's fine to have standards, in fact, I highly recommend that many of you raise yours; but some of ya'll are out there on your Ponce de León, searching for some mythical, unfindable treasure only whispered about as legend. And then when said creature remains lost to you, you complain regularly and loudly about how hard it is to find a good woman.
No. It is not hard to find a good woman. It is not hard to find a single, successful, professional woman who looks good and is about her business. It IS hard to find a woman with all of that who lives up to some fantastical ideology that may or may not exist in the real world. From Chris Rock's Never Scared:
"You're never gonna get a soul mate, the perfect person.
You're never gonna meet somebody that loves Seinfeld and the Wu Tang Clan.
It ain't happening.
Even if you meet the perfect person, it ain't gonna be the perfect time."
Not saying I totally agree with that but I understand what he's saying. Perfect doesn't exist. Guys, you know I love you, but Imma need for some of you to level-set. If you have been seriously looking and looking and looking in what is arguably a buyer's market and still can't find Ms. Right? It's time to make some changes. How? Five steps:
1. Get an impartial jury to calibrate your worth in the marketplace. Sounds harsh but there it is. You may think you are a platinum catch bringing much to the table. Ask around and find out if that is true. Not just looks but attitude, values, belief system, expectations, bed game, baggage, and yes, earning potential mixed in with the way that you treat someone all make up your net dating worth. I'd hate for you to think yourself a 9.5 when you're putting out 4.7 vibes. Water seeks its level. Figure out what yours is and act accordingly.
2. Where are you looking? Really? After a certain age you are not going to find who you are looking for in the clubs. People disparage online dating but the truth of the matter is by going virtual you cast a wider net into a much deeper pool of candidates. Looking for a woman with a refined palate? McDonald's may not be the spot. An extreme example but you take my meaning. Figure out where like-minded people are and get there.
3. Review your expectations. Do you have a 100-point checklist where 25 of those things are must haves? You are making it way harder than it needs to be. In the HR World there are BQs and PQs. A BQ is a quantifiable basic qualification that a candidate must meet to even apply for the role. For instance, a college degree. A PQ is a preferred qualification that can shift as needed. For instance, a degree in a technical field from an Ivy League university. Is it possible that your BQs and PQs need a review and refresh? The more nice-to-haves take up space in the must-have list, the harder it is to find.
4. An speaking of HR - approach your search for The One like you would a job hunt. Don't expect it to come to you, pound the pavement (virtual and real) looking for it. Find out where people found the ones similar to what you want and go there. Dress for success, do something that makes you stand out over the others, never assume the position is yours just because you showed up (ya'll don't hear me tho) and always, always know that word of mouth (the referral system) gets you further faster than anything else.
5. Last but not least, if the last four things don't work? Seek professional help. No, I'm not calling you crazy, I'm saying hie thee to a professional matchmaker or life coach... credentialed, not these Social Media idiots turning bad Hallmark quotes into careers. Let's take the job analogy again, if you couldn't find a job on your own, wouldn't you consider letting an agency or headhunter help you? Of course you would. Just food for thought.
Once you find some candidates? Well, that's for another post. So fellas... I wish you well. I wish you luck and I wish you love. Nuff said? BougieLand, agree or disagree? Thoughts, comments, insights? Do share...