"Chele, at what point do you stop side-eyeing the New Boo and just let whatever will be, be?" This was the question posed to me by a young lady who after a hiatus on relationships is dating again. Side-eye with a skeptical slow blink? Something like this?
Yeah.... Here are my thoughts:
Hi, my name is Michele. You've read this blog right? Me and the side-eye are tight. Two peas in a pod tight. But I understand what you are asking. I myself am a few really good dates into something. I don't know what yet but it's definitely something. I find myself holding back the urge to look at this guy and inquire, "So what's wrong with you? Just tell me know upfront so I can decide if I want to deal with it or not." I find myself in the middle of great conversation wondering, "How much of this is true and how much of this is bullshiggity?" But I can't say that, I'm still in the stage where I want to appear moderately unscathed and unscarred from relationships past. We can't let all the BougieTales out of the closet at once. So I smile, laugh and take it all at face value... for now.
I am trying, Jesus help me, to be an [deep breath in, deep breath out] optimist. But past shenanigans make it hard. Take today for instance, he sent an email this morning (he sends a good morning email at 6am because I am not a morning person) and told me to give him a ring sometime today just to say hi. I called a few hours later and his voice sounded funny. In thirty seconds, I had imagined five messy-assed scenarios for why he sounded like that. On second thirty-one, his voice went back to normal and he said he had been walking down the hallway with his boss when I called and was ducking into his office so he could talk freely. I actually let out a breath. Yes, I exhaled. Color me cynical? Yep. But I'm pretending that I'm not.
So yes, I understand the struggle. The cautious optimism. The Lord-Please-Let-This-One-Have-Low-Drama-Thresholds prayers. The not wanting to dive in too deeply. You don't want to go too fast but you don't want to move too slow and you don't want to appear as conflicted as you really are. Yep, I know of all these things.
Much as I hate to lean on cliches, they fit this situation. Take your time. One step at a time. This is a marathon, not a sprint. Whatever he is or isn't will reveal itself in time. Stay alert but not hyper-vigilant. Start out with an open mind and closed legs. [Ya'll don't hear me tho] Listen when he speaks and actually digest what is being said in both context and tone. And real talk, if you don't like what you see or hear, walk. It's that simple and that complicated.
To answer your question, there's no set time or event where you put the side-eye away. What you're really asking is how long until you trust that this person is who they say they are and will do what they say will. My answer is that trust should grow gradually over time, reinforced by him sharing his thoughts, using his words and following through with deeds. Good luck!
BougieLand, how long do you think it takes to really know and trust somebody? If you are still single, how hard is it for you to open up and be yourself with new potential s/o's? If you are married, how long until you felt you really knew the person you are with and not just their "representative." Inquiring minds want to know. Do share...