Too much "Ha!" in the A-ha! Moment - A Bougie Bachelor Chronicle

Two of our Bougie Bachelors in their late thirties started dating 2 young ladies of Asian descent in their early 20s. I say this not to judge (cuz I don't care - find you some happy) but to give you context for the upcoming BougieTale.

I had occasion to meet the young ladies early in the year and... it did not go well. One of the Harajuku Twins (Google it. Never mind, I Googled it for you here. Sorry for the snark but the similarities were plentiful) was dating an ex of mine. Which I was okay with until she turned nasty and insinuated that upon seeing me in person she understood why I "couldn't hold onto that man"...  The conversation devolved from there. I may or may not have called her Kikalolu a la Whitley from a Different World. I felt justified after she referred to me as a "round the way chick" um... me? A-ight den. But to each his own and whatnot. 

Where the story goes off the rails is when Bougie Bruh #2 (BB2) decides to marry Kikalu two or three months into the relationship. Calls me up all excited, do I want to come to Vegas to attend his Bellagio Bash avec Bridal Boo-Thang? Yeah... no. Even I knew that had disaster written all over it. About twenty folks packed their bags and headed off to Sin City on a Friday afternoon. Bachelor/Bachelorette parties Friday night with the wedding planned for midnight Saturday/Sunday. 

Here's where the story gets fuzzy. Things happened Friday night and like a good mystery novel, no one really had the whole story. What we do know is that 11:00pm Saturday night, no Kinu. Her girl was missing too. 11:15, 11:30, 11:45... M.I.A. A little after midnight folks go in search of girlie and gal-pal. They find them at a high-stakes poker table seated on the laps of two huge guys. They were either MMA or WWE or some sort of three initial fighting thing. As BB2 looks on, Kiki starts tonguing down dude in the middle of the Bellagio casino. 

Kikalu looks up, blinks and says, "Hey, I meant to call you. I got married last night!" She held up her hand to flash a ring. I'll let that sink in. 

Yeah, seems she decided that BB2 was trying to turn her into a housewife and she still wanted to part-ay. She met Clint or Clive or whatever MMA/WWE dude's name was at her bachelorette party and after five glasses of champagne explained that while she wanted to be married, she didn't want to be "all serious" with it. O__o Clint/Cliff/Clive (also not sober) suggested she marry him instead. They could just have fun. And so she did. The other Harajuku Twin decided Kikalu was right and she bailed on Bougie Bruh #1 as well. 

No one in the Bougie Crew went home happy. Except for Jay & Joy who won $5k at the blackjack table.

Upon hearing this tale, I asked BB2 the question - "What did you have in common with her? What made her wife material for you?" After a long silence, I was told that she was sweet and she didn't make him think. Oh. I didn't know someone who turned your brain off was hotness. :-/

Eight weeks later, girlie tried to say she made a mistake and she just got nervous and some other manner of foolery. He replied by sending a court order for the immediate return of the engagement ring and delivering whatever she left at his spot to her front door. She says she already gave the ring back and he must have "misplaced it"... 

So then I asked, "What did you learn from this?"  The reply, "I need a little less ha in my a-ha moments." Clever but I persevered, "Seriously, this was a life lesson. You have to have a takeaway." He shrugged, "Don't get married in Vegas?" I flung up my hands, "Vegas was not the problem." He tried again, "I should have insured the ring?"

I give up. Bougieland, can you name the twenty gazillion things our boy did wrong here? You don't need to be polite. Sometimes tough love is for the best...