Brothers, bro-hams, ninjas & bruhs... pull up a chair. Economy keeping you down? Not getting any love from The Man? Need a brand new hustle to take you to higher ground? I got it right here, fellas. This is the truth. Guar-an-teed to have you rolling, big pimpin', ballerific in no time flat.
[cue the music - Here comes the brand new flava in ya ear...] You ready? Want to hear it... let's start with the prerequisites:
First and foremost, you don't need any damn credentials. Nan one. All you have to be is black & male. Degree? What? Naw, son. That's just paper. This hustle right here is beyond that old school nonsense.
Secondly, you don't have to look like much. Or anything. We can get you a tight fade, a shiny suit and a half-decent smile - you'll be alright.
Thirdly, your ideas don't have to be based in fact. You can make this ish up as you go. Even flip flop it later if that's the way the money flow. You don't have to be consistent or anything.
Alas, you do have to be a hustler. If you ain't about stepping over others; trampling folks, facts and feelings as you head up - this may not be for you.
Did you pass those four? Still in possession of a penis? Yes? Than you are ready to get it in. Yessir, with what you have learned thus far... you too can be...
Here's what you do next -
1. Get you a Twitter account. Come up with a snappy name like @AllBoutDaLadeez or @GirlGetAMan - you will have 10,000 followers in no time. I mean by tomorrow, son!
2. Decide what you want in a woman. Doesn't matter if it makes sense. Six foot two, 108 pounds, can look Brazilian with right lighting, only wears BeBe and Steve Madden, cooks authentic Mandarin cuisine from scratch - whatever, that's perfect! Just write up a list on a napkin or a paper plate you borrowed from Big Momma. That's fine. Memorize your list though, you'll need to repeat these often. Call it something clever like "The Man-Catching Manifesto" - the title has got to sizzle.
3. Now this is important. You need to publish your Manifesto. Website, hardcopy, e-book, FaceBook, all of that. Hold seminars where you charge 26x what is reasonable. See if Nightline will have you on. Maybe BET or VH1 will give you a reality show!
4. Now tweet the revolution, baby! You are roll-ing! Stand up, tell women how they can get them a good man just. like. you. Be sure to emphasize every thing they are doing wrong as a gender and a race collectively. This is not about individuals. No. Groupthink is what we need here. And if you can find a way to throw in some accusatory shame & blame? Even better. "Girl, you too educated to get a man." "Girl, you need to loose 30 pounds and smile more to get a man". See where I'm going with that?
5. Believe in yo' product. This shiggity will sell! I'm telling you. As long as you present this with some authority and speak on it like you mean it, you are about to Get. Paid. Son! I'm talking Steve Harvey dollar$ here, man!
Now get on out there and talk to women like they are thirsty desert-wanderers and your words are the only oasis in 300 miles. You can do it, I know you can. Oh, can I get a cut of the proceeds? I'm a single black woman, I need every dime I can get. :-/
BougieLand, who has had it UP TO HERE with all these New Jack Relationship Experts? I know I have.