A WTF Ask a Bougie Chick...

Sooooo...

I got a ping on Facebook a month or so back from a woman (we'll call her Isshe - as in, Is She Kidding Me With This!) who wanted to know what I would think about my man spending time in the basement before he came up to bed every night. Wait for it...

He was spending time in the basement watching sex tapes of himself and his ex-mistress. Yep. Isshe wondered if she should read something into that... Oh, and also... Dude (we'll call him WhatTha - you can guess why) had recently "loaned" ex-mistress $10,000 of THEIR money for "reasons he didn't want to share." Isshe and WhatTha have been married for three years and he began this behavior three months ago. Isshe doesn't know what she should do or if she should even be upset. 

So many questions. One - when Isshe called naked-sex-tape-woman (NSTW) an ex-mistress, what does this designation mean? Mistress implies one who is in a relationship with a married man. Was NSTW a former extramarital of WhatTha during this marriage or was he married before? Either way, EITH-ER WAY, it is not cool (So Not Cool) for him to have and watch cocoa videos of him and the ex but especially not before coming to bed with the new. Nawl. 

Next question, 10k? 10 large? Diez mil dolares? My dollars? Even if you are ballin' like that, fund disbursement over $200 must be discussed and agreed upon before it goes out the door. ESPECIALLY to your husband's ex-whatever. Isshe, girl - woman up. You are being played so hard, we should nickname you XBox. I cannot. Surely you know the answers before you wrote in? None of this is okay. Not remotely. By zero stretches of the imagination. But hey, do you...

Then as if she didn't like the answers I had given her, I got another message a few weeks later from someone using a different name asking this:

Um...
*flings monitor off desk*
I'm out. Bougieland, what ya'll got for Isshe?

Ain't nothin' changed but the date on the calendar

One of the Ask A Bougie Chick letters I just received was from a 23 year old lady who recently ran into her ex. Dana and her former-beloved, Nick were together all through college. Upon graduation, Nick told Dana that he didn't want to be "held back" or "tied down" so he broke up with her. No long goodbye, no I'll-be-seeing-you, just out. The evening of graduation no less. She got back to the spot and all his stuff was just gone. He put a post-it note next to his key that said, "Be well." And the part that really ticked off Dana? He had changed his Facebook status before breaking up with her. (Let me take a moment to thank Jesus that I didn't have to date with social media in my 20s) Back to this... Very classy, Nick. 

Fast forward 11 months to last week. Alumni happy hour. Who strolls up to Dana all smiles as if they agreed to remain friends? Yep. Nick sits down, tells her how great she looks and wants to catch up. Nick got caught up in a layoff at the bank where he was working while pursing his MBA and is not sure how he can afford to pay for the rest of his advanced degree. Dana is in the executive training program of a well known Silicon Valley tech company and the VP loves her. (Karma is that bitch, ain't she?) Anywho, Nick says he wonders if he was too hasty last year. He wonders if there's any of the old Nick-n-Dana sparks still smoldering that can whip back up into a fire. (Okay, I got dramatic. Ya'll know I write romance.) 

Dana says she'll think about it. And walks away. Since then, he's going full court press. Sent flowers to her job, dropped off her favorite takeout to her door, left messages on the phone and sent her the digital equivalent of this generation's mixtape via iTunes. 

Dana says she never got over Nick and her question to us is... have we been through this, do we have any insight and what should she do.

Hey Dana! Yes, we've been through this. The abrupt "deuces" followed by lack of closure and then later yonder they come back 'round with Le TapBack. There are so many posts about re-visiting the "ex-files" on here that you could pick anyone of them. They all basically say, "There's generally a reason why you broke up in the first place but... Do you." However, I actually have a few other thoughts: 

1. What happened to him not wanting to be tied down or held back?
2. What's his hurry?
3. Why don't you date around? If Nick is the one, he'll be the one today, tomorrow or next month.
4. I know men don't always apologize for the shiggity they do but um... he got to do better than "Hey, what's been up, pretty lady?"
5. Lastly, double-check his motives. You're doing well. He is on some struggle. Is he looking for a girlfriend or a sponsor? I'm just asking.

Dana, the game is the game is the game. Decide whether you want to play and if so, is he the one you want to play with. Those are my abbreviated thoughts. BougieLand, whatcha got for Dana?

The Long-Awaited Follow-Up to the Henry & The House Invaders #AskABougieChick

In early March, I posted a story about Henry. A divorced man with two kids whose ex-wife had hoodwinked and bamboozled him into allowing her to move back into his ancestral home and brought along her new, younger, unemployed boo thang.

Since then, quite a few things went down. Henry called his lawyer who called a judge. All agreed that foolery happened. In the meantime, Henry sent Andrea (the ex) and Curtis (young boo) to Vegas for a weekend with a pre-paid credit card. He knew they would be there until the money ran out. Henry wised up.

While they were gone, he moved them out and moved them to (you will love this)... Curtis' mama's house. The kids admitted that they didn't want to live with their mother and Mr. Curt any more. When Mama and Curt rolled their broke behinds back from Vegas, they were greeted with changed locks and temporary court orders. Until Andrea could provide a stable environment where the children felt safe, Henry would have custody and Andrea would have supervised visitation.

Henry's lawyer also advised him to move his house and assets into a trust. And that he should tell Andrea that his assets revert to his sister in the case of his death. Whoa. Lawyer said he didn't put it past old girl to disappear Henry in hopes that all of his assets would go to the kids and she could control them as mommy dearest. Now that's some hot mess.

In better news, Henry is dating the legal secretary from his lawyer's office. He was there so often, they started eating lunch together everyday. That's one cloud with a shiny silver lining. So... all's well that ends well? Henry has one last question for us, "Anything I should do different this time around?"

Yes Henry. One, take your time and communicate. Two, if it feels wrong, it ain't right. And three, talk to your kids. They tend to have great radar about people. Good luck sir...

Any parting words for Henry?

Ask a Bougie Chick - Hoodwinked, Bamboozled and Led Astray

I know it's been forever and a day since I answered any of these and I apologize. I do. Life gets in way of well, life sometimes. But this one had me so nonplussed that I had to respond quick, fast and in a hurry. Here we go (buckle your seat belts):

Dear Ms. Chele,
I came across your blog when a buddy of mine submitted a letter about two years back and you gave him some solid advice as well as some tough love. You like to say that when people write in they already know the answer to the question and that's probably the case here but I still need some cosigning. 

I'm Henry, 46 years old, living in the Inland Empire east of Los Angeles. I was married for 15 years been divorced for about nine months. Equal fault divorce, we didn't take care of the relationship and when things got bad we let them slide. I ignored her, she ignored me. Well it was time to walk away even with two kids, a boy (9) and a girl (7) between us. The divorce wasn't too bad. To get it done, we split custody and I caved on alimony and child support but kept the house. The house has been in my family for three generations left to me in my grandparents' will, wasn't giving it up no matter what. Plus we just finished remodeling it..

Four months ago, Andrea told me she was having trouble making rent at her townhouse in Pasadena. I gave her a little extra to get her caught up. Two weeks ago, she said she was being evicted and could she and the kids come stay with me. Everybody said I should tell her that I would take the kids while she got back on her feet but I didn't want to do that to the kids. I said okay everybody could come back for six months but after that, she would have to leave the kids with me if we wasn't back on her feet. She agreed. 

Two weeks ago, they all pulled up and there were two guys with them. I thought they were movers. I gave her the keys and went to work. When I got home, one of the guys was still there. I asked what he was still doing there and he (Curtis) said he lives here now. She brought her new boyfriend to move in. He can't be 30 years old and has moved into my grandmother's house. 

I didn't want to make a scene in front of the kids so I pulled her into the kitchen and told her that he had to go. She said they are engaged and he'll go when she goes in six months. Ms. Chele, I was so mad I had to walk away. Finally I said they had a month and then the two of them had to go. I talked to my attorney and he said I shouldn't have let her back in without getting a new arrangement from the court but that I needed to do that now. My sister said I need to watch out that I don't leave for work, come home and find all the doors changed. Andrea doesn't work and doesn't look like Curtis does either. He works out all the time. Isn't that crazy? The kids don't like him and neither do I.
What would you do if you were me?
Henry 

Wooooosahhhh.... deep breath in. deep breath out.

Henry? Do you mind if I call you Hank because it's about to get personal. You have been hoodwinked, bamboozled and led astray. 

*pausing for church organ riff and for Sister Somebody to cut a step in the aisle of Bougieland waving a lace church hankie*

You say your ex-wife gets alimony and child support but ran through your money even when you gave her extra and then she politely sashayed back with the kids and her boo-thang into the house your beloved grands left you? The hell you say?!

Okay.... Let's first admit to ourselves that you got got. The ex-wifey Andrea done played you like a fiddle. But it happens. Shake it off. Let's also concede that she's probably been seeing Curtis (or someone like him) for more than a minute. She was having trouble making rent because she's flossing and she has Curtis to pay for as well. Pasadena is not cheap and I doubt Curtis is either. Lastly, let's understand that the one thing she did NOT get in the divorce was the house and she wants it. She wants ev-ery-thing. Ev-ery-thing? Ev. Ery. Thang.

You, Hank - are too nice for your own damn good. What would I do? Lemme tell you - Have your attorney file some motions. I'm not a lawyer, I don't know what kind but surely there are some that can work for you in this instance. NEXT - Find a reason to get Andrea and Curtis up out your house for a weekend (like THIS one coming up) and call some movers to pack up and drop off all dey shiggity over to the Extended Stay Spot where you can pre-pay a single room for them for a week. Not a month, not several weeks, one damn week. Hank. It's time to put a little gangsta in these here negotiations. 

It does not sound like Andrea or Curtis are disabled unless we are counting shady and shifty as a legal disability these days. Get a court order. Put them out. Change your locks. Keep your kids, your house and your money where they belong - with you. But what do I know? I'm not a relationship expert, married or shacked up with a buff 20-something. Let me turn it over the crew...

Bougieland... what say you? Please talk to Hank. I am unable...

Ask a Bougie Chick: "Don't Wanna Be a Playa..."

Today's letter comes from Dixon. Young brother out in Northern California going through a quarter-life struggle. Read and respond if you will...

Hi Mrs. Grant,

I found your blog because my ex had your book, Sweet Little Lies, on vacation with us in August. We ended up getting stranded and with nothing else to read (no offense meant), I picked up the book and read it. Really liked it. Your blog was listed in the back and I've been reading and catching up on some of your BougieTales and Bachelorette Chronicles. Some made me laugh, some made me shake my head but I liked how you kept it real. I'm writing in to see what you and the rest of Bougieland has to say about my situation. 

My girl (S) and I had been together for four years. We met after sophomore year, we both went to B-school for finance and we both graduated last May. I took a job in San Jose, she's in the City. Right after our summer vacation she sits me down and tells me that she wants to break up for a year so we can be sure we're really right for each other and it's not just like we're comfortable with other. She also said she wants me to "sleep around" and get some more experience in that area.  

I admit that dented the heart, the ego, the plans I had for the future everything. I don't want to sleep around. That's why I picked a girl I thought was great for the long haul and settled in. Like I did everything right and still I'm losing. Is she saying I need more expereince, am I seriously supposed to wait for her to do whatever for a year? Don't I deserve some sort of explanation? Anybody been through this before? Thanks for listening.

Dixon in Mountain View

Hey Dixon,

Mrs. Grant? Uh Grant is a pen name and I have no Mr. but I love the formality... Glad your enjoyed Sweet Little Lies, it's truly the gift that keep on giving. Feel free to buy the entire catalog... Moving on... 

I don't want to bruise your ego more than S already did but let me clue you in on some relationship code words: 

• When an s/o tells you that they "want to take a break" that means they want to break up but either are a) too chicken to say it or b) too selfish to let you go completely. 
• When an s/o says they want to see if you are really right for each other, that means they don't think you really are and last but certainly not least
• When an s/o says they want you to sleep around? That's deflection because they already are.

(At least in my experience)

So I don't know what happened or why but S has moved onto the next but she sure has and you need to do so as well. You do deserve some sort of explanation, you may or may not get one. Don't put your life on pause waiting for it. As we've said in many posts before, you may not have done anything wrong or different. Things and people change. It's up to you if you want to check back in a year to see what's up with old girl. Chances are, she'll see the error of her ways before then and try to come back, it happens. Or in twelve months you can roll past her spot with your new boo, raise a glass of champagne up while Whitney sings "Learned from the best" blasting from your speakers. Whatever works for you. For now, keep it pushing.

BougieLand, agree or disagree? Any words of advice for Dixon? Been through it? Wrote a song about it? Do share...