ITOFTS - What kind of woman would I be? Plus, hell no.

*ITOFTS = I'm too old for this shiggity...

A good friend of mine from way, way back in the day got divorced this year. I can't say that I was surprised, more incredulous that it had taken her this long to pull the trigger. She was "ride or die" with dude through extremely thick and painfully thin. There were years when she carried the entire emotional, financial and parental weight of the marriage on her own. Years.  And while I understand the concept of staying together for the good of their child, I also know the the little one literally got up and performed a happy dance when she found out they were separating. "We'll be fine on our own. See you next weekend." The eight year old announced to a departing daddy. Welpity welp. She did all but chuck deuces.

I have heard the stories about how he tried to get out of paying child support, tried to get spousal support from my friend, tried to hide his income, tried to claim medical hardship. You name it, he tried it. And still lost in court. The ink is barely dry on those papers but she's free. Fast forward to last weekend...

I was posted up at an Uptown Dallas eatery when Dude (Departed Daddy) strolls in with his boys. Now he and I have never been close. I've been side-eyeing dude from jump but I'm so inherently Southern (that means friendly to a fault) that this dude actually thought I was cheering for him all these years. He thought my friendship with wife spilled over to him. Sir, meet reality check. Reality check, Departed Daddy. You two should sit and get acquainted.

He struts in and gives me a huge hug before starting in with his, "You look well. It's hard out here for the newly-single" rap segueing into "maybe you could give a brother some tips... or a soft landing.... ha, you know how I play... can I buy you another drink?"

NAWL. I told him I was good, wished him well and turned back around to chat with my companions. Departed Daddy did not take the hint AND decided he was being too subtle. He tapped my shoulder, "Hey, I'm trying to ask you out or is that too weird?"

"It's weird, wrong and unwelcome. So... have a great night." Done and done, right? No. Dude takes my stool, turns it towards him and leans in. "C'mon, babe. No one has to know, we can just kick it on the low." Babe? On the low? 1996 called, it wants its corny phrasing back. But anyway... no. And what kind of woman am I supposed to be? So I said. "I'm really not interested." To which he said, "Would you be interested if I wasn't XX's ex-husband?" Me: "Not at all. Plus you are so that's a double down on the Hell leaning heavily into the No." Then I grabbed purse and signaled to pals that we were rolling out.

This Negreaux texted me every hour on the hour ("just think about it" "I'll do right by you" "You're the kind of woman I need in my life") until I figured out how to block his texts and unfriend him on Da Facebook. He's assuming I don't know he's a borderline deadbeat with no bed game and a tendency to not only miss the toilet (with the seat down!!!) but also go MIA when it's time to clean up around the house? He's assuming that he was ever my type to begin with? He's assuming that because I remain unmarried and unattached that I'll jump at the chance for any old thing? I don't know but the whole thing pissed me off royally.

BnB, Where Dey Do Dat At? Where? What kind of man rolls up on one of his brand new ex-wife's oldest friends? And keeps hollering long after "oh-but-hell-no" has been delivered. I guess there are women that would take him up on it. Even if I was tempted (I'm so not), I would never because you know... friendz over menz. Yeah, I just made it up. What's the new saying divas over d!cks? I don't know. I'm not hip.

My question to you is... who does this? And what's the best, break-it-down-so-it-will-forever-be-broke way to make sure he gets that the no is a foreva-eva kind of no? I ask as I see this dude has just inMailed me on the LinkedIn. Jesus be a catchable clue. 

Raise your Pomegranate Mojito up for the Dow Jones

There are few things that make Bouge Boulevard dwellers happier than the ka-ching, ka-ching. Dollar-dollar bills, ya'll. Dow Jones up, ya'll! I start dreaming of the days when my 401(k) wasn't underwater, when my retirement plan didn't include greeting folks from my wheelchair at Wal-mart, when a dollar wasn't laughed at in Europe. Oh, to dream again!

The Dow closed past 9000, the highest level since November 2008, according to MSNBC.com:

Investors celebrated news of another jump in home sales by propelling the Dow Jones industrials to their first close above 9,000 since January.

Better-than-expected profits at some of the nation's biggest companies also lifted the market, giving the Dow a 188-point rally to finish at its highest level since November.

The Dow's gain was the latest jump — and not even the biggest — in a surge that has lifted the index 923 points, or 11 percent, in only nine days as hopes grow about an economic recovery.

The latest climb followed a report that sales of previously occupied homes rose for the third month in a row in June. Unemployment and a weak housing market have been two of investors' biggest worries so any sign of improvement is big news for the economy.

The National Association of Realtors said sales of previously occupied homes rose 3.6 percent in June. Sales came in at 4.89 million, above the 4.84 million analysts had been expecting.

Another batch of corporate profit reports also helped boost the market. Ford Motor Co. surprised investors with a profit of $2.3 billion, due mainly to a huge gain for debt reduction, while manufacturing conglomerate 3M Co. and candy maker Hershey Co. raised their profit forecasts for the year.

After a month of wayward trading, stocks began climbing again at the start of last week as companies like Goldman Sachs Group Inc. and Intel Corp. posted robust earnings.

"I don't think the market is signaling that we are fully healed at all but it is telling us that there is a strong likelihood that a recovery is under way," said Ciaran O'Kelly, head of equities, Americas, at Nomura Securities Intl. Inc. in New York.

According to preliminary calculations, the Dow rose 188.03, or 2.1 percent, to 9,069.29. It was the highest finish for the blue chips since Nov. 5 and the first time the Dow has traded or closed above 9,000 since January. Even with the gains, the Dow is still far off its peak of 14,165 in October 2007.

The Standard & Poor's 500 index rose 22.22, or 2.3 percent, to 976.29. It hasn't traded or closed above 1,000 since early November.

The Nasdaq composite index rose 47.22, or 2.5 percent, to 1,973.60, its 12th straight advance. The Nasdaq hasn't had a rally that long since a streak that ended Jan. 8, 1992.

My only question is, will Obama get the credit for this or are folks too busy looking at his birth certificate or complaining about his jeans?

Afterthought: Apparently not. Also from MSNBC.com: Worried Public Changes Obama's Deficit Message

When Big Pimpin' goes bad

So, Bernie Madoff was sentenced to 150 years in prison. And he's not happy about it. No indeedy... he and his lawyers feel like that is excessive. In fact, his attorneys thought that 12 years ought to do the trick. Twelve years? That's roughly a payback of $25,194 a minute. I don't think Bernie's hourly bill rate is quite that high these days.

The crime was (broken down) purposefully defrauding people, companies, retirement funds and charities out of an estimated $171 billion dollars, lying about it and continuing to hide funds after being caught with your accounts supposedly frozen... hmmm, sounds like he is getting exactly what he deserves. If you want to catch a really great breakdown of the entire mess, including an excellent explanation of how/why Ponzi schemes work, check out CNBC's Scam of the Century.

Word on the street (Wall Street, that is) is that he is really super-remorseful and had hoped from leniency from the judge. Well, this is good Old Testament consequence: You reap what you sow.

To pile on, Mrs. Madoff (who in my opinion needs to face a charge or two herself) threw Bernie straight under the bus saying she felt "betrayed" as well. Seriously, Ruth? Weren't you hotfooting around town cashing certified checks and hiding jewelry or was that just everyday behavior?

Many questions still remain, who are the co-conspirators? Where is the money? When Ruth files divorce papers, who is overseeing that settlement?

One thing is for sure, Bernie Madoff will die in prison, he has fallen far from his $7 million Manhattan "apartment" and has no one but himself to blame.

Did Bernie get what he deserved? If you were the judge, what would your sentence have been?