After the reaction to Part One this week, I roll this out with much interest. Citizen Ojo, SBM, TMCY and I acutally answered three letters but since the last post was so long, I decided to split this one off. As a reminder, guest posting are:
- Citizen Ojo from The Desultory Life and Times of a Public Citizen
- Damon (TMCY) from This May Concern You
- SBM of SingleBlackMale.net
Our last letter came from Darren of the DMV (This stands for DC/Maryland/Virginia for those lost in BougieLand – keep up!)
You seem to know more than the average girl of a "certain age" about relationships and what it takes to get and please a man. So I'm writing in to see if you can make sense of my current situation. I'm doing my thing, 28, great job, saving up for real estate, keeping myself together. I'm told I'm a catch and modesty aside, I think it's true. About four months ago, I met a girl (kinda siddity but pretty) at a restaurant by the Waterfront. We hit it off and started hanging out. It's all going as I expected until we were about ninety days in. She tells me that she's scared to get hurt, she needs to back off, we need to stop "being intimate" so she can get her head together. When I pressed her on it, she said maybe we should take a break. Is that woman code for she's done? My instinct is to press forward because I know she's feeling me. But then again, I don't want to come off insensitive to her feelings. And now, I admit to being a little angry and wondering if I'm being played. What do you think and why do women do this?
From Ojo: Darren from BougieLand: Are all the women in DC/Southern Maryland/Northern Virginia siddity? I digress……. I was with a woman one time that did the exact same thing. The Sex was AMAZING but the chick was crazier than Bat #$%@! Do yourself a favor and lose her number. If you pursue a relationship with her you are asking for trouble. Instead of being in a relationship you will spend your days playing a psychiatrist. You can't compete against a person's worst fears. No matter how hard you try you will always be fighting against the issues of the last relationship. Women like this have been hurt by guys throughout their whole dating lives. I believe in the concept that every bad relationship leaves some type of emotional baggage. The more relationships you have the more baggage you pick up. Sometimes when you meet a person they have a carry-on bag and other times it's a complete luggage set. Your lady friend is probably keeping her baggage in a U-Haul truck. Please remember that this is not your fault. It's the fault of the last dude that was with her.
From SBM: My man Darren, A brother from the DMV ... so refreshing. Anyway, it's either one of two things. She finally came to the conclusion "I can't be smashing off this guy and we aren't together". I mean ... after 90 days of sex, it's not really surprising that she might actually want more from you than dates and dick (the D&D combo). As a result of some personal reflection (read: talking to her homegirl) she had to pull back the good's because she is feeling you and you haven't made a commitment.
I don't think you should "back down" really. If she is serious about being scared to get hurt and whatnot, she is really testing you to step it up. She wants you to prove she has nothing to worry about and that you want more than to just break her back. But please please please don't turn into some type of stalker or guy who can't take a hint. The DMV is small.
If all that doesn't work ... hit me up ... we'll hit up "The Park" (a DC club).
From TMCY: Darren, Based off of what you've said, I think that there's something Waterfront Girl doesn't like about you or something she likes more about someone else. What that is, I'm not sure of. But based on what you said, I wouldn't be surprised if it has to do with what you're doing or not doing for her in the bedroom. She said she wanted to stop the intimacy thing before she wanted to "take a break, period" right? That's a sign. She just doesn't want to have to tell you what it is specifically. So she copped to ending things on her terms. That's something a lot of men and women do. If I were you, I'd lament the situation some, but not too much. If you're the kind of catch that you say you are, finding a good woman shouldn't be much of a problem for you.
Last but not least from OneChele: I'm conflicted about you calling me "of a certain age" but we'll move on. Darren, you are 90 days in but have you had the "history" conversation? Chances are you did something that triggered a memory of someone else not so good. (We call this a "U Remind Me" moment). Ask her about it. And then LISTEN. Is she trapped in her past, too hurt to move forward, sounding like she pulled a Jazmine Sullivan, mention being medicated? If she's that wounded and you're not in a Mr. Fix-it mode just walk away. But if she's just hesitant and waiting on you to show her that you're not THAT GUY, she'll probably be okay. This, Darren, is a MAN UP moment. By the way, when a woman tells you she needs to "stop being intimate so she can get her head together," you are doing something mighty right or mighty wrong in that department. That is girl code for "trying not to act whipped and need to catch my breath long enough to think with my head and not my hormones." Or "I can't stand it if he touches me again." If you think about your "encounters" you'll know which one it is.
So ultimately, my advice is this: Try and talk about it, then give it a little time and a little space. Trust, she won't let you go too far for too long. Patience, Darren. Women do this cause we have truckloads of thoughts and emotions and sometimes need to figure out what to do with them all. Now you have a choice, you can be the next guy she sits up drinking with her friends talking about what an insensitive S.O.B. you were or you can be that guy that she tells her friends, "I forgot it could be like this." Think on it.
P.S. If it doesn't work out with Siddity 'n Pretty, I'm passing out your email address to some of my DMV chicks in BougieLand, they'll appreciate ya.
What have you got for Darren? Are we reading his situation correctly? Comment as you will.