Today's Ask a Bougie Chick comes from Cassandra. She's 32, single in Jackson, MS and has been in a committed relationship for about 18 months but lately she's wondering... is this all there is?
Hi OneChele,
I recently found your blog and love your style of writing and thinking. I noticed you have people write in with their issues and wonder if mine might be worth posting? I've been with a really great guy for close to two years. We went from being friends who hung out to friends with benefits to boyfriend and girlfriend. It was all kind of seamless.
Recently, he's started having conversations about marriage and a part of me is flattered and thrilled at not being single any more while another part of me wonders if I'm settling because I'm so comfortable with him. I keep reading about people knowing that someone is The One and feeling a sense of certainty that the person they are with is the person they are meant to be with. I have to admit, I'm not quite there. I like him, I do love him and we're good together. We think alike and want the same things long-term.
Is that enough? Should I worry that I don't feel that utter complete faith that this is the guy I'm supposed to be with? Or am I just being selfish and looking for greener grass when things are fine here? I don't know. Maybe I"m overthinking it. Any advice from the BnB crew?
-Cassandra
Hey there. Well. Let me take this from two angles. First, my personal experience. I'm sad to say I've got a bit of experience with proposal anxiety. When someone proposes marriage you are forced to look at the relationship in it's entirety and judge its worthiness for long-term happiness. Sometimes a proposal is a logical next step, sometimes it's a wake up call to get the hell out while the getting is good. In my experience anyway.
From your angle, a few red flags in your letter. You were pleased about the proposal because you won't be single any more? If that's your first thought, there's an issue. Next you said you liked him first then tacked on that you do love him. Just based on the overall tone of your letter I wonder if you started swirling cocoa with a good friend and let it progress because it was easier than any other alternative.
The grass isn't always greener and what's out there may not be a better fit for you than what you have at home. It depends on what exactly you think is lacking? Only you know if this guy ticks all the important boxes for you or if he's just good enough for now.
I don't know you guys. So I don't know how deep your connection runs. I do know that you can not judge your relationships by others' standards. Not everyone wants or needs to feel that bone-deep validation of This-Is-The-One-ness. Some people go with their instincts, others with their hearts, others with their brains. You have to decide what to listen to.
I will say this. If you asked me yesterday, six months ago, one year ago and three years ago if I knew who I was supposed to be with - I would have given you an absolute certain but completely different answer each time you asked. So I'm glad I took the extra time to let things play out before committing everything. Let that marinate. Ask me four different times, I'd give you four different answers. Le Bougie Shrug. I'm of the belief that when it's right, you know it and that's it. I also believe that when it's not 100% right, a part of you knows that too whether you admit it to yourself or not. But I'll let BougieLand answer.
BnB - What say you? If Cassandra has doubts, should she explore them or chalk them up to mid-relationship jitters? What would you advise her to do? Do you believe people know when they've found The One? Or is that just a fantasy? Do share...