Prom dates, past missteps and present witch hunters

Dear 6 lb, 8 oz Baby Jesus - do not let me be judged for my prom date. When I saw that someone felt it relevant to dig up and publish pictures of our 44th President's prom, I rolled my eyes so far to the left and back to the right. Because for why... really?

My prom date, who went by the classy moniker of Duck, is in the penitentiary... again. To say our paths were divergent is an understatement but me from 20 years ago thought he was fine and exciting and different.  My parents thought he was a felon. Turns out they were right. Should I be judged lo these many years later for my judgment at 18 years of age?

This past week, Nouveau Beau and I had some (limited) discussion about one of my exes. (If you missed the crazy tale of PsychoMike, go ahead and enjoy) Turns out that Nouveau Beau knows PsychoMike by professional reputation and it ain't good. Since it's been over 12 years since I dated PsychoMike, he just shook his head and said, "Well now you know better." He then went on to say that he didn't want to know about my other exes. They had no place in our relationship so let's just leave them out of it. Whew! It was all I could do not to get up and praise dance in the middle of the restaurant. 

I admit I haven't always had the best taste in men and/or when I did choose well things had a way of going south (or left or whichever direction means no bueno). I own up to my part in these dissolved relationships but I sure didn't relish having to tiptoe down the long-ass highway of Doomed Relationships Past with him. I mean some of you all have been reading the blog for a while... it's a lot to take in. Particularly all at once. 

A girlfriend of mine has just started dating again after a particularly bitter divorce. Her new man is great but his sister? She is straight CSI'ng everything about Rosa's past. Rosa said, "I wonder if this is how Obama feels, having everything he ever said or did, anyone he ever dated under scrutiny by someone looking for the absolute worst spin." I said of course it is but then she could multiply it by a gazillion media outlets with millions of dollars behind them. The witch hunt is real.

All of this to say - should we really be judged by the people we've dated in the past? Okay, maybe in the recent past, yes but ten plus years ago? Is there a statute of limitations on relationship missteps and if so, what should it be? 

Do share....

He thinks they're meant to be, she... not so much

Catching up on Ask a Bougie Chick letters this week and I must say, this one jumped out at me. Not to sound sexist but I usually hear this from the ladies not the gents. Take a look:

Hi Michele, SBM recently turned 30, I'm in Charlotte and I've been reading your blog for a while and I noticed you have a belief in things being fated or destined. Is that true for relationships as well? I'm a guy who has been in a relationship that is on again off again with a woman for the last three and a half years.

When I met her I knew almost right away that she was the one for me. Everything about her was what I was looking for in wife material. Sounds a little sexist but I don't mean it that way. Our problem or my problem is that she (Lisa) doesn't see things the same way. Every time we get to a point where I think marriage is our next step she does something to sabotage the relationship. Then she thinks better of it and apologizes and we make up and start over again..

It's a lot of drama when in my thinking she should just say that she's not ready for the next step. Maybe not with me anyway. I'm college educated, not bad to look at and I think I'm a pretty good catch so Im thinking I shouldn't have to sell myself to my own girlfriend, know what I mean? I should move on. But I can't shake this idea that she is the one I'm supposed to be with. Shouldn't I fight for that? This might be a little emo for dude-speak but it's how I feel and I knew you and BnB would share your opinion. 

-Lance

Lance, quit worrying about what's emo and what's dude-speak and let's get to the nitty and the gritty of this. First of all - I do believe that things happen for a reason. I also believe that things change. I totally feel you on this one. For years and years in the back of my mind I believed that I already knew who my one true soulmate was and as soon as both of us got our circumstances and lives aligned, we would be together forever.  But every time we got back together and took a step in that direction, he would do some raggedy ass shiggity that blew us up to hell and back. I would be wounded, put myself back together, date other people all the the while still thinking one day that dude and I would get our happily ever after.

It literally took years to absorb that fact that you can get more than one soulmate and maybe someone you thought was your soulmate just fit the bill for a season. Not to disparage what it is that you and Lisa have but if you're in a "push me-pull me" cycle where you keep getting hurt and waiting for her to realize how awesome you are? You need to walk now. Do not (I repeat) do NOT waste precious years of your life waiting for someone you are not married to yet to discover their inner do-right. Naw son. Nor should you continue to cosign her ratchet. When she hurts you, she knows what she is doing and you deserve (hell we ALL deserve) better than that. 

If you take nothing else from my blog ever, take this - life is too short to spend it wandering around "what if" land. I firmly believe (now) that if someone loves you, they want to do right by you. Period. If they cannot, you need to move on. Do not attempt to carry on a partnership by your damned self. Do not get so swept up in the mythical dream of a happily-ever-after with this one woman that you miss the reality of a together-forever-less-drama-life with someone else. 

[Plays Shall We Gather at The River on the organ and passed offering plate] My brother, as we used to say back in the day, get to stepping. Single, professional, 30, in Charlotte? Holla back, I'll have you hooked up by next weekend. You can do better. 

BnB, what say you? What's Lance's next move? Have you ever been caught up in that "meant-for-me" meme? How to let it go? Any single sisters in Charlotte looking for the hookup? I'm just saying... Thoughts, comments, insights? Do share...

The fellas ask: So we're guilty until proven innocent?

In the aftermath of the trust post from last week, I received a lot of emails and tweets. All levels and ranges of responses from the positive "Thanks for opening the discussion" to the other side of the spectrum. Some were saying that I was ignorant and/or irresponsible, that I was aiding and abetting rapists, that I was just as criminal in my thinking as the perpetrator, that I was racist. Others indicated that I don't know about the number of black women being assaulted. It went on and on. For those who felt I was insensitive or those who missed my point (which was not at all about rape or victimization or the criminal justice system) - okay, I heard you. Thanks for sharing. Let's move on, shall we?

There was, however; one line of questioning that I will follow-up on. More than one gentleman asked me - If women are so wary that they are assuming all men are guilty (of something) until proven innocent, how do we ever build real relationships?

Excellent question. As always, disclaimer first: I'm not a relationship expert. I've just been to the three-ring circus and seen the clowns more times than we need to discuss. Okay? Moving on...

Let's pull apart the premise first. There are several myths wrapped up in here. First being that real relationships are not being built everyday. There is also the myth that there are no good professional single straight men without eleventy million babies' mamas left in the United States. There is the myth that of the two decent men left, one of them is a dog and the other one only dates white women. There is the myth that women don't move on from their pasts but are quick to paint the next guy with the ex's brush. These are myths that need to be debunked, killed dead, buried deep and never no more resurrected.

But the allure of these myths is wrapped up in the unmistakable truth for many of my professional sisters- a good man is hard to find and hard to keep. (Bruhs, my bad - I know it's hard out there for you too)

All that being said, not all women believe men are guilty until proven innocent. However, many of us have encountered a rascal or two along the way so we may have to side eye you for the first 60 90 180 days. Nothing against you personally, gents. It's the whole once bitten, twice shy concept. We're going to try not to lump you in with your ratchet brethren that have come before but I gotta tell you, if we see some of those same tendencies and mannerisms in you, we're going to be right skittish. Like I once announced, "I'm going to try not to drag the entire seven piece matching set that is my relationship baggage into our thing, but this overnight bag is heavy on it's own."

"So what can we do, Chele?"

Well let me tell you, fellas... you're not going to like it. But you're going to have to communicate. You're going to have to ask why every now and then your new boo thang looks at you like she's waiting for you to pull on hockey mask and grab a chainsaw. Relationships are a journey and how will you know how to navigate without a map? That's how relationships go off target, folks get to barreling along without knowing they've hit quicksand and next thing you know? You're sunk. 

And you're going to have to be transparent. I don't mean oversharing. What I mean is that if you say you are going to say or do or be somewhere... let it be so. Consistently. Don't make a woman wonder where your interest lies or what you're really after. Speak plain and let your actions reflect it. 

Not to let the ladies off the hook. The same rings true for us as well. Far too many chicas out there making it hard for the rest of us. We've all run up against that guy who just got out of a bad breakup with a chick who cut such a fool, no one in his family even mentions her name. Yeah, don't be that chick. Don't expect a man to read your mind. They are not that magical (no shade, guys, IJS). When something is on your mind, speak on it before it becomes a festering wound. Again, transparency. 

SO beyond saying both sides need to just. do. better. I guess I'm saying, isn't it worth it in the end to put a bit of due diligence in at the beginning? BougieLand, what say you? Ladies, do you prejudge men based on your past experiences? Fellas, do you feel that you are being judged before you even have a chance to state your case? Do share...

Just let the man have the big piece of chicken today...

It's Father's Day. And I always was and steadily remain, ten years after his passing, a Daddy's girl. For the past few years on Dad's Day I've posted tributes to BougieDad and other fathers of his ilk - committed, caring, concerned, involved fathers. I've enjoyed it, even while navigating the "my dad wasn't about shiggity" or "my baby daddy ain't nuttin'" backlash.

Woo-sah. I get it. Some fathers ain't bout that life. But if I may, let me just say this. Single Moms - today is not about you. Mother's Day was last month. Yes, I understand that some of you are doing the work of both mom and dad. Yet and still, take a step back and let the fathers who are deserving have their day. Can we please?

I actually heard that there are some Father's Day greeting cards for single moms - just stop it. It's one day. A lot of us have to struggle through it. People have lost their dads, have tortured relationship with their dads, don't know who their dads are. Baby daddy ain't doing right, can't be found, doesn't show up on today of all days... there's a lot of emotional upheaval. Be that as it may - let the Dads who are doing what they can do have their day. 

Tomorrow morning is time enough to cuss ole boy out, bitch about yo raggedy daddy from back in the day, all of that. Chris Rock jokes in one of his routines about Daddy not getting the love. How it's all about Mama and making her feel the love. How all Daddy wants at the end of the day is a little love, a little silence and the big piece of chicken. For one day, ladies - let's take a seat and let those worthy of praise be praised. Give dude the big piece of chicken. Just one blogger's opinion...

Happy Father's Day everybody.

We're Southern... not stupid

Over the course of the past few weeks, significant shade has been thrown at Ben Crump, the attorney for Trayvon Martin's family. Attorney Crump is not a natural orator and his Southern seeps into every single (and sometimes extra) syllable. Many have assumed that because his speech is so very "Urban Floridian" that this somehow reflects his legal prowess and/or brain power. It's both an insult and a mistake to assume this. 

I don't know how many of you heard Jerry Rice, Emmitt Smith, Magic Johnson or Deion Sanders (countless others) back in the day before the professional speech coaches got hold of them. Not. Pretty. I mention this to say that Mr. Crump requires a speech coach or a smoother spokesperson and nothing more. I'll admit when I first heard Mr. Crump, I longed for the silver-tongued effervescence of Johnnie Cochran. And then I went and looked up brother Crump's bio.

He has quite the track record of impressive wins and tackling improbable causes and coming out on top. He has worked hand in hand with Rev Al, Rev Jesse and other activists to shine light on racial injustice. He is considered a bright and talented legal mind with a shimmering future ahead. And he wears a navy suit rather well. (Sorry, just a sidebar. Moving on...)

As a child of the South, I grew up amongst a variety of accents and dialects. My mother speaks a very crisp combination of polished Baltimoran and syrupy Georgian. My father spoke British West Indian. I went to private school for the first 10 years of education so my Texan only comes out with I'm tired, tipsy or around a whole lot of twanging. 

I distinctly remember in my teens being on a group trip to New York where the other teens asked us, "So do you have horses and stuff? You sound like you live on a ranch." And they were stunned when we wiped the floor with them at the academic decathlon. 

Don't let the accent fool you. 

I will admit that I cringe (we were having this discussion on Twitter the other day) when I hear folks adding an R (or an R-uh) in where none sat previously. What is an uRsher board? Or when someone adds an extra "ed" to the end of a conjugated verb "I loveded you, girl!" Hearing the English language mangled unapologetically  sets my teeth on edge but I'd never mistake it for lack of intelligence. Lack of polish? Yes. Naivete that "others" won't hear that mangled speech and be dismissive? Yes. 

So I do see both sides. As a Southerner, I get how a pronounced accent tends to send a certain message. As a Southerner who was drilled on "proper" speech patterns and enunciation, it's a sore point when others in the public eye don't do the same. But I can't shade a man for his diction when his dedication and delivery of service are so on point.

Just had to share. Thoughts, comments, insights?