A collective Woo-Woo-Woo

Everybody take a deep breath in. Look at the Soothing Circle of WooWooWoo above. And exhale.

I could say this nicely or I could just say it...

Some of you are taking shiggity WAY too personally on this blog. It's not that crucial. This is a blog. We laugh, we share, we learn. Open discourse as you will. If you are in any way confused right now, pause and review all the Bouge Rules.

Those are my goals. Since it's my blog, things are generally told from my point of view. You can agree, disagree, agree to disagree or say nothing at all. Either way, it kind of is what it is.

This isn't high school. This isn't higher education. It's the Internet. If you feel your point is not getting across, you can  certainly share yours... to a point. Beyond that point, I invite you to launch a blog of your own and reference folks to it on the regular.

I try to be all inclusive but let's be clear here - my journey may not be yours. I may not get where you are coming from. Occasionally, I may poke fun at something you hold dear. Feel free to mock me in return. I'm tough, I can take it. I'm not divine, I'm nowhere near perfection so if you're looking for God-like acceptance and inclusion, seek a deity not me. Jesus ain't through with me yet.

People's opinions and comments are their own. Yet some of you slink about and wait for someone to say something you virulently disagree with and then you call them out. And attempt to beat them about the head and neck with your opinion which you've decided trumps all others.

Asking someone in accusatory tone - "Why would you say that" is moot. They said it because that's how they felt at the time they were typing or they were dangling bait which you just took. Elevate the debate, please. A great response would be "I don't understand how you reached that conclusion, can you elaborate on this point?"

I don't mind snark but there's a whiff of nasty that rears its ugly up in here from time to time. No thank you. Others of you clearly need a hug and may want to rethink if a blog is really where you want to work on your feelings of abandonment/neglect/narcissism/fill in the ailment here. I'm also going to need some of you to learn where and how to direct your anger. I didn't hurt you. I doubt the other readers did either. Relax, relate, release. Yes fellas, I'm talking to some of your bitter behinds too.

Hmm. Guess I decided to just say it. We can chalk this up to hormones (and we'd be 85% correct) or we can say it was time for a Come to Bougie Moment. Take it as you will. In the meantime, group hug?

*lights sage candles and passes around chamomile tea... in purple cups* Thoughts?

BougieLand... let's review

A little video shout out to kick the day off right...

Okay, it's that time again. Lots of newbies in BougieLand, lots and lots of comments. Let's review the basic bouge rules...

Blog Rule #1 – Bouge is Love, ya'll

I understand folks are passionate about some issues and I welcome a freely spirited debate. However, there will be no over the top racist, sexist (any -ist) comments posted up and through here. If that's what you feel like typing there are thousands of other blogs out there in Cyberspace... get to stepping and try one of those. While I don't believe in constant comment moderation/modification (and I really don't have that kind of time)... any comments that blatantly disregard that rule (like your comment is a borderline hate crime in the making) will be deleted... unapologetically. Yes, management reserves the right to refuse service to anyone at anytime for any reason. Keep it nice round these parts.

Blog Rule #2 – No Blogjacking 

Share and share alike in BougieLand but if your comments are soliloquy – stream of conscience thoughts that triple the word count of my posts… you need your own forum. You get once to share a great story, twice to make a great point. The urge to hijack the comments section should be suppressed. Also, if you have "lastworditis": the compulsion to always have the last word every single time, that's no bueno. 

So that's it, two rules. And I always (always) reach out to folks via email if they are near transgression-level shenanigans. For everyone else, keep the comments coming! We've updated DISQUS, so we should have no more disappearing comments. Then again, Blogger just put in a spam filter I'm fighting with. Alright family, we good. Happy Holidays.

A few administrative details…

It's been almost a year to the day since I started Black 'n Bougie. I had a few things to say about the state of bouge and I wanted to promote my book. That was really it. Then I discovered this great community of folks with bright minds, ideas and ideals and this mythical vibe called BougieLand blossomed. A place where intelligent discussion, diverse opinion and random thought can all co-exist nicely. It's Black and Bougie. Not Black and Bitchy, not Black and Beat-Me-Over-the-Head-with-a-Brick. We have our folks that like to toss hand grenades from time to time just to see what happens but if it doesn't come from a place of malice (usually) we have no problem. For all my joking I've only put 2 people on the 24 hour BougieTimeOut and I never kicked anyone out (though one fled).

But since we're nearing the one year mark and have so many new folks (thanks!), it's time for a refresher in the Bouge of It All. For a detailed look, check out the Bouge Basics page.

Blog Rule #1 – Bouge is Love, ya'll

I understand folks are passionate about some issues and I welcome a freely spirited debate. However, there will be no over the top racist, sexist (any -ist) comments posted up and through here. If that's what you feel like typing there are thousands of other blogs out there in Cyberspace... get to stepping and try one of those. While I don't believe in constant comment moderation/modification (and I really don't have that kind of time)... any comments that blatantly disregard that rule (like your comment is a borderline hate crime in the making) will be deleted... unapologetically. Yes, management reserves the right to refuse service to anyone at anytime for any reason.

Blog Rule #2 – No Blogjacking 

Share and share alike in BougieLand but if your comments are soliloquy – stream of conscience thoughts that triple the word count of my posts… you need your own forum. You get once to share a great story, twice to make a great point. The urge to hijack the comments section should be suppressed. Also, if you have "lastworditis": the compulsion to always have the last word every single time, that's no bueno.

So that's it, two rules. And I always (always) reach out to folks via email if they are near transgression-level shenanigans. For everyone else, keep the comments coming! Thanks for stopping by.

Next up – Apparently I have not been hustling enough for Black Weblog Award nominations. So, if you haven't nominated BnB, be a sweatheart and do so. My blog fits into the following categories: Best Personal Blog, Best Relationship Blog, Best Writing in a Blog, Blog to Watch and Best Blog Post Series for my "I Love Black Men" seres. All you do is click here, enter http://www.blacknbougie.com and http://www.blacknbougie.com/search/label/I%20Love%20Black%20Men for the series.

Much obliged.

Blame it on the B-b-bougie…

Apparently, spreading the goodness and light of my Bougie Ain't Bad It's Beautiful revolution isn't working as quickly as I had hoped. I have in the course of the last three days, read and heard the term "bougie" used not only negatively but as if it's a fate worse than death. Apparently, bouge is to blame for the President's falling poll numbers, Spike Lee's decline in creativity and my lack of a wedding ring.

Yes, in case you hadn't heard Barack is too bougie for some folks. His Ivy League degree and emphasis on upward mobility apparently means he isn't gangster enough to do what needs to be done. (Cause America was really about to elect a more gangster version of Obama?). And yes, I was told that the reason Spike Lee's movies aren't as "impactful" as they used to be is because he married a bougie chick and got too comfortable. [insert laser beam side-eye here]

As for why I'm not married yet… Let me share with you my favorite paragraph from an email I received Tuesday evening. The subject of the email being: I know what your problem is OneChele. Not knowing I had a problem, I popped open this bit of wisdom and dove in. Six paragraphs in, here's what I was treated to (leaving in the spelling and grammar errors so ya'll can soak up all this good flavor):

See, the problem with girls like you is that all your live people told you you are better than other black ppl. And you bought into that shyt. So no you think you can tell people how to live. I guess you try to be helpful but really you talk down. I have met so many bougey bitches like you that its really no surprise. You can't help yourself for acting like the world revolve around you. You so caught up in being fake and bougey that's why you don't have a man now and can only talk to them on you page. You say bougey but its really snobby and not a good way to live. I'm not tryin to be mean but someone need to get you to check yourself. I hope you find my words to you helpful not like your blog. Any way I won't be back to your blog and you won't here from me again. Good luck.

Uh thanks and wow. Methinks I ticked someone off. Boo-to-the-hoo. From yesterday's post I get that everyone's blog is not for everybody. But if you spent enough time here in BougieLand to get so wound up as to type out a seven paragraph note… you may have missed my premise. As a refresher course, here were my bouge rules:

THE BOUGE RULES (what puts the bouge in bougie)

1. Bougie is more than a way of life, it's a state of mind
   
2. Bougie does not equal stuck-up, siddity & pretty... unless it does
   
3. There's nothing wrong with being bougie if your heart is true to the bouge
   
4. If you are true to the bouge, people will hate on you. You won't care, you are too busy being bougie
   
5. You can be born bougie, you can marry into bougie and you can evolve into bougie
   
6. You can be bougie and hood but not at the same time
   
7. You are no longer bougie if you are completely ghetto (fabulous or not)
   
8. You can be broke and bougie but bouge works better with bank
   
9. Bouge brings responsibility. Do not shame your bouge brothers and sisters lest you be kicked up out the bouge circle
   
10. Bouge is old school people, we don't hate... we congratulate.
    

Please notice my tongue planted firmly in cheek. J If I've said it once, I've said it a million times… bouge is love ya'll. Okay, thoughts? Comments? Is bouge to blame for the hole in the ozone layer as well? Let me know, I'll apologize. Ever get a crazy flame-o-gram email? The floor is yours…

I shouldn’t have to write this post: Bougie Etiquette Lessons pt. 2

When last we convened for an Etiquette Refresher Course, we discussed some do's and don'ts in Social Media. I see that message didn't really sink in. Ah well, I tried. Now it appears that my lessons have been too advanced and I need to come back down to a more basic level.

• Catty isn't cute: When did overt b*tchiness become socially acceptable? Yes, Real Housewives (though you aren't real or housewives) and Bad Girls Club – I'm talking to you (to start). As you all may know, I'm pretty much over reality TV. In my opinion it is cheap programming that takes writing jobs away from people… well, like me. But some of the shows at least attempt a competition or a goal. Not discounting their entertainment value but basically we're pointing the camera at overly made up women in tight clothes with fake lives and telling them to act any old kind of way. That's fine for adults but can we please put up an advisory for the young girls: Being an overcoiffed potty-mouth might net you a reality show but no respect. As a matter of fact, acting this way will get you slapped/grounded/sent to detention/headed for hell/or any combination of the above. Did everyone miss the message in Mean Girls? Sheesh! I miss seeing gracious ladies on TV. Gracious. Ladies.
• When you see gray move out the way: BougieMom and I were power shopping at Sam's yesterday. Admittedly, I sometimes use these excursions to make sure BogieMom gets her exercise in. So I walked up, down and around the giant store until I was tired. By the time we battled through check out and were ready to exit, both of us were dragging. As we were approaching the exit where the guy reviews your receipt, a young couple approached almost knocking over BougieMom and pushing their cart in front of ours. Sam's dude checked their receipt first and then noticed I was giving him the OneChele "if looks could kill you would already be SO dead" glare of doom. He was extra-friendly, "How ya'll doin'? Thanks for shopping at Sam's! Appreciate your patience." The young couple was giggling as they exited the store. I stepped out after them and declared in extra loud voice, "That is SO RUDE! People just have NO manners these days… almost running over a senior citizen." They stopped giggling and the man had the good sense to turn red when others in the immediate area turned to look at them. BougieMom and I sent a dual "for shame!" look their way and departed. I know we just covered this last week but did they stop teaching respect of elders? Has common courtest became uncommon? Are we in such a "I'm gonna get mine!" society that we're ignoring the basics?
• Basic Eating Habits: So I was in a restaurant the other night and I understand they thought it was cozy and intimate. No, it was small and cramped. They had the tables so close together that you had no choice but to be all up in each other's business. Like after we ordered appetizers, the girl next to me leaned over, "Have you had the crabcakes here before? I wasn't sure if I should try them" Le Sigh. Unfortunately, she did order the crabcakes and proceeded to eat them (sauce and all) with her fingers. She spoke with her mouth full, she slurped when she drank, and she laughed frequently and loudly (still with a mouth full of food). This was not a dainty eater. Alright, shrimp can be tricky. It is a peeve of mine when they bring you a pasta dish and leave the shells on the shrimp. That's the sign of lazy chef-work. But there is a way to de-shell a shrimp swimming in sauce that does not involve delving into your bowl with your hands and then stacking the shells in the middle of the table (on the linen, next to the candle). There has got to be a way to spin said pasta without flinging sauce on your neighbors or your date. At one point her date looked over at me and mine with such a pained expression that we almost offered to scoot down one so he could join us. Seriously, in my head I still hear the song that BougieYoungerBro and I made up because we'd heard the words so many times, "Elbows off the table, napkin in your lap, food should not be played with, don't make me say more about that!" Oh, I'm sorry – is this more of that home training we decided was non-existent last week.
  

Do you agree, BougieLand? Are women on TV (reality show or otherwise) extra catty, tacky and overly made up? Did I miss a memo, is it suddenly acceptable to eat with your fingers and lick them like a cat? I understand that I have been on etiquette for a while this month but it has really occurred to me that overall, people kind of suck at it. For those in need of a refresher, here's Emily Post's Etiquette Daily… I'm just saying. You know who you are.